How and where do I start? Over the past 9 1/2 weeks, my world has been shaken up and tossed around. Much of it has been beyond my control. Of course if I could turn back the clock, I would choose it in a heartbeat. What I wouldn’t do to be able to sit and watch a movie with both my children, or plan a vacation to somewhere tropical with them or even talk about our next dinner out — knowing that my son would pick White Spot and Amanda would pick Joey’s and we would have that familiar argument of ‘Why do we always have to go there!!’.
This Christmas season will be a difficult one for myself and all the other parents who have lost a child or children. As parents, the questions that might filter through our heads may include ‘Why did this happen to me/us?’. There are no answers. I look back and think about the kids who were so fragile (mine included) and then the kids who had their lives innocently taken away yesterday in Connecticut. (Please know that I also think about the adult lives that have been recently lost also.) As parents, we are torn apart. Our hearts are broken. Our lives are shattered. As I have said previously, as adults, we aren’t supposed to outlive our children. How will Christmas be? Not as happy. Lonelier because a piece is missing. I try to make the best of life that I can but it’s also hard. When people that I don’t really know that well come up to me for a hug and then caringly say ‘Christmas will be so difficult for you this year’, it is just a reminder to me. I don’t always think about this. I have stayed away from the malls. The happiness and colours and sounds of the season often overwhelm me. I know that I have to go and do some shopping, but hopefully it can be quick and hopefully (I can’t say painfree) without a lot of tears. Losing a kid is a hard thing to describe. We as parents have to ‘march on’ especially when there are other loved ones involved. I am sure that if I didn’t have people to look after or look after me, I would be curled up in my blanket doing lord knows what day after day. Luckily, I have lots of people that care and they check in on me or look after me in real life.
Although social media was and is the downfall of many, it has helped me gain another support network in addition to the one that I have in my real world. I have gathered so many new friends from all over the world. I have learned to question and ask before I take them on as a new virtual friend. I also have a group of people that are very protective of me and my well being nd they are also both in my real and my virtual world. They are like my angels and are there to safeguard me from the dangers that lurk out there in the world of social media. To them, I am grateful. Although many have called me ‘strong’, I can also feel my weaknesses. The emotions come in like the tide, in and out and never knowing how much water or sand will be swishing in. I am not the only one that continues to need some support. As people help me, I want to help others. Okay, there are some arguers out there that keep saying that I can’t help the world and that I have to look after myself. But part of me looking after me is me caring about others. For those that know me well, that is my life. I do know when I am faltering and I have those close to me who will in real life ‘kick me in the butt’ if I don’t listen, so rest assured, I am once again being looked after.
Today was the first day in I don’t know how many where I got to stay home for the whole day. It felt great to not have to drive around to meetings, interviews, errands, etc. Although I think that ‘my big huggable teddy bear’ could have easily unplugged or disconnected the internet on me as I was still checking my emails, Twitter, Facebook and text messages. And me being so OCD kept answering them. I gave MBHTB my new MacBook Pro to try and figure out. All is good (for the time being).
Here is something to watch. It is called Sext Up KIDS and is a documentary how kids are becoming hyper-sexualized.
Here is the link with the article and comments – http://www.mediaed.org/cgi-bin/commerce.cgi?preadd=action&key=248
CBC Documentary of SEXT UP KIDS – http://www.cbc.ca/doczone/episode/sext-up-kids.html#
Have a good Sunday to everyone. The Globe and Mail want to talk to me in the morning (but not too early).
Toodles for now… love y’all. xoxo