It has been a terribly frustrating technology day for me today. I know that if Amanda were around, I would have heard ‘Oh mom, just give it to me’. Altough she said that Macs were dumb, I know she would have gravitated to it just because of all the new bells and whistles in it that she loved from playing around on the iPad and her iPhone. Someone kindly and graciously made me a Princess Snowflake Tumblr account and I love it. Now there are three accounts (Princess Snowflake Tumblr, CarolToddSnowflakes Blog, Amanda Todd Legacy site) that are great to look at and hopefully it will cause me less work time that I have been putting in. the Tumblr acct is to save all the articles that I have been reading and documenting. Hopefully it will be easy to learn to add and edit. My question is – but then why can’t I alter my WordPress icons on the side to get to the Tumblr blog. I have literally spent hours trying to figure it out. I had to venture and ask the powers that be (yes, another Snowflake elf who is tech savvy.) Then there is the whole thing with picture saving. Why is there so many different places to save pictures. For example – Photo Stream, iPhoto, Pictures. Like OMG… this is so frustrating. Hey my PC never gave me a headache like this. So was this a good or not so good time to switch over? I guess I won’t be able to answer that …
So where is Amanda when I need her? I seem to have popcorn coming out of my eyeballs here at home. No one really ate it but Amanda. She was always making popcorn or boiling pasta (adding only butter and parmesan cheese). There was a time when she didn’t like microwave popcorn anymore because it had the ‘fake yellow buttery stuff’ that wasn’t good for you. Where did you hear that Amanda? Oh, on the internet. So mom, you have to, errr sorry, we should go out to Walmart and see if we can find one of those popcorn makers that makes it with air. You know, the kind Bxxxxx has. Mom says – Oh right!! So why can’t children who can’t remember to change the toilet rolls the right way up, forget things that they want to have bought. We did end up with the air popper popcorn machine. And of course the zillion of popping kernels that go with it. But then …. it became alot of work to do all that and then I hear “Mom, we need to buy the microwave popcorn’. You know, the red or blue bags. It tastes better!!” Oh Amanda, what I wouldn’t do to hear that again.
Today was one of those rare days that I wasn’t running out to a meeting or an appt. I was sort of sick or else my body is trying to prevent something from attacking my immune system. I think I get another at home alone day tomorrow too. It was weird being home (all alone). Did I have my moments? Of course. It is the strangest feeling to try to think of nothing and the only thing that keeps popping up are pictures of Amanda. Some good and some not so good. But I keep hearing that is what is normal. I have to wonder, the psychologists and psychiatrists and doctors out there … how do they know what normal is in my life or in the life of anyone who has lost a person dear to them? Don’t take me wrong … I am not knocking the profession. It is just one of those empty/full kind of questions that I always seem to have.
I think I know where my son gets his questioning skills from now — Are the same feelings emitted after loss of anything or anyone? Does losing a spouse, a parent, a grandparent equate to the same feelings as losing a child? And talking to people out there in my life now that have lost, I am learning that everyone grieves so very differently. But I still think that a majority of society still has a preconceived notion of what grief should look like. I think grief could also be explained like a snowflake – for each person, it is different and unique. As snowflakes come in all different sizes and shapes and its life expectancy on earth is dependent on the outside temperatures, grief also comes in different ways, forms and durations. There is no way to measure or predict its length of stay. I am sure that I am grieving and probably more internally than externally. It still confuses me to how I am supposed to act. I have decided to just be myself and move ahead to do whatever I feel is right when it crosses my path. I will be judged on some of my choices but you know what, we all make mistakes. It is those who judge and then keep on judging (for the wrong reasons) that should be ashamed and should look inwardly to themselves for answers.
Time for sleep, night Princess Snowflake (love you always) (P.S. to Amanda – We have more followers today!!)
Love mom xoxo