Jan 9th – Where is Amanda when I need her?

It has been a terribly frustrating technology day for me today.  I know that if Amanda were around, I would have heard ‘Oh mom, just give it to me’.  Altough she said that Macs were dumb, I know she would have gravitated to it just because of all the new bells and whistles in it that she loved from playing around on the iPad and her iPhone.  Someone kindly and graciously made me a Princess Snowflake Tumblr account and I love it. Now there are three accounts (Princess Snowflake Tumblr, CarolToddSnowflakes Blog, Amanda Todd Legacy site) that are great to look at and hopefully it will cause me less work time that I have been putting in.  the Tumblr acct is to save all the articles that I have been reading and documenting.  Hopefully it will be easy to learn to add and edit.  My question is – but then why can’t I alter my WordPress icons on the side to get to the Tumblr blog.  I have literally spent hours trying to figure it out. I had to venture and ask the powers that be (yes, another Snowflake elf who is tech savvy.)  Then there is the whole thing with picture saving.  Why is there so many different places to save pictures. For example – Photo Stream, iPhoto, Pictures.  Like OMG… this is so frustrating.  Hey my PC never gave me a headache like this.  So was this a good or not so good time to switch over?  I guess I won’t be able to answer that …

So where is Amanda when I need her?  I seem to have popcorn coming out of my eyeballs here at home.  No one really ate it but Amanda.  She was always making popcorn or boiling pasta (adding only butter and parmesan cheese).  There was a time when she didn’t like microwave popcorn anymore because it had the ‘fake yellow buttery stuff’ that wasn’t good for you.  Where did you hear that Amanda?  Oh, on the internet.  So mom, you have to, errr sorry, we should go out to Walmart and see if we can find one of those popcorn makers that makes it with air.  You know, the kind Bxxxxx has.  Mom says – Oh right!!  So why can’t children who can’t remember to change the toilet rolls the right way up, forget things that they want to have bought.  We did end up with the air popper popcorn machine. And of course the zillion of popping kernels that go with it.   But then …. it became alot of work to do all that and then I hear “Mom, we need to buy the microwave popcorn’.   You know, the red or blue bags.  It tastes better!!”  Oh Amanda, what I wouldn’t do to hear that again.

Today was one of those rare days that I wasn’t running out to a meeting or an appt.  I was sort of sick or  else my body is trying to prevent something from attacking my immune system. I think I get another at home alone day tomorrow too.   It was weird being home (all alone).  Did I have my moments?  Of course.  It is the strangest feeling to try to think of nothing and the only thing that keeps popping up are pictures of Amanda.  Some good and some not so good.  But I keep hearing that is what is normal.  I have to wonder, the psychologists and psychiatrists and doctors out there … how do they know what normal is in my life or in the life of anyone who has lost a person dear to them?   Don’t take me wrong … I am not knocking the profession.  It is just one of those empty/full kind of questions that I always seem to have.

I think I know where my son gets his questioning skills from now — Are the same feelings emitted after loss of anything or anyone?  Does losing a spouse, a parent, a grandparent equate to the same feelings as losing a child?  And talking to people out there in my life now that have lost, I am learning that everyone grieves so very differently.  But I still think that a majority of society still has a preconceived notion of what grief should look like.  I think grief could also be explained like a snowflake – for each person, it is different and  unique.  As snowflakes come in all different sizes and shapes and its life expectancy on earth is dependent on the outside temperatures, grief also comes in different ways, forms and durations. There is no way to measure or predict its length of stay.  I am sure that I am grieving and probably more internally than externally.  It still confuses me to how I am supposed to act.  I have decided to just be myself and move ahead to do whatever I feel is right when it crosses my path.  I will be judged on some of my choices but you know what, we all make mistakes.  It is those who judge and then keep on judging (for the wrong reasons) that should be ashamed and should look inwardly to themselves for answers.

Time for sleep, night Princess Snowflake (love you always)  (P.S. to Amanda – We have more followers today!!)

Love mom xoxo

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About Carol Todd

Being the mother of Amanda Todd has lead me on this journey shortly after Amanda's death on October 10, 2012. Amanda's prolific You Tube video has been viewed over 33 million times. Through this video, there has been an increased awareness about cyberbullying, social media safety and mental health. www.amandatoddlegacy.org
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13 Responses to Jan 9th – Where is Amanda when I need her?

  1. merle48 says:

    Upon reading this post a second time, I just want to reiterate that you will be judged no matter what you do. You’re damned if you do, and damned if you don’t. But you never have to compromise your core values for these types of people. They will come and go, and their opinions will become nothing more than a speck of dust blowing in the wind. Only you have to live YOUR life as you see fit, and rest assured that you are on the “good” side, just ask God!


  2. merle says:

    Oh, and to your question, “how am I supposed to act” you’re not supposed to act (key word) just be yourself! One of my favorite quotes that I think fits well:

    Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind. ~Dr. Seuss


  3. merle says:

    Okay, this blog wells my eyes up…Never give a hoot what anyone says! I hope you don’t mind me saying this, but it’s in your eyes…yes they are truly the “windows to the soul.” So I say to anyone out there who must judge…look into their eyes. Not only do your eyes tell a sad story, but so did Amandas’s. I think you both look very similar, especially your eyes…and beautiful they are. Forgive me if this was too personal.


  4. Hugs to you and your Mac, Carol. 😉


  5. sophia doodson says:

    Your word are alwaysbso beautiful Carol, I love to read your posts and wish Amanda as here also, somehow kraft dinner and friday the 13th will never be the same without her. Xoxo


  6. la Punisher says:

    Amen Lisa, Thank you for saying the words that I couldn’t seem to find, True there is no right or wrong way to grief only what feels right, Carol… Remember that song that Amanda sang, ” Someones watching over me” I think she’s watching over you. Hugs to you xxx


  7. Lisa says:

    Oh Carol, now that I’ve had my cry for the day I sit back and wonder if I would be as strong as you are. I have a daughter that just turned 16 in September. I have been saying to myself “I couldn’t imagine how life could go on if I lost her”. That’s just it, unless you’ve lost a child, you don’t know how you would feel. I don’t believe there is a right or wrong way to feel. Everyone grieves differently. If it feels right for you then thats all that matters. I think about you daily and pray in the morning that today will be a little easier for you. Amanda would want you to be happy. Take care Carol


  8. My heart aches for you. I cannot begin to imagine your pain. Know that she was your gift from God and that only the good die young. She was a beautiful sensitive soul ..a rare flower in this world full of weeds. i believe life is predestined and you must let life unfold itself. Everyone has a purpose here.. she had a huge role to play in this world look at how many people’s lives she has touched and will continue to touch.. forever! She was onviously a special chosen child. she lives on in our hearts. She was born to make changes to this sick world! As far as the judgemental …dont pay heed to any of them. Please!! Remember its all about them and their issues and insecurities and has nothing to do with you..just imagine putting up a mirror facing all these haters. You know who you are and yes we all make mistakes we are human. everyone grieves in their own way do not worry your mind about that. Just be you. Sending you healing energy and love! Amanda is watching down at you and smiling. We are all simply energy fields she’s only shed her human skin. As far as the technical stuff goes I found the following hope it helps



    Hope it helps.

    Warmest regards


  9. Leah says:

    You are a beautiful woman Carol, thank you sharing so much of yourself with all of us.
    Kathleen has a Mac and she is amazing at using it. She will help you. xox


  10. Dennis Vu says:

    This breaks my heart to read, in ways that words just can’t describe, she truly is someone special. It is going to be sad and hard now that she’s gone. She really was a princess… air popcorn and then back to microwave because the other was too much work, typical teenager… I wish I could help you with your Mac and tumblr, but sadly I don’t use tumblr and my computer knowledge only ranges between some linux and a lot of pc… I’ve never owned a Mac product before. But rest assured we are all here for you and she is watching over you, so I’m pretty sure you’ll get the hang of it and one of the elves can help you.


  11. You are breaking my heart, Carol. Amanda was loved. You loved her and she loved you. This little glimpse in your everyday life together like any mother & daughter … It makes me so sad that those days are irretrievably gone. Be assured that we – all your helping hands in our various ways – won’t fade away. We’ll stay close. 💜
    I think you the air popcorn beat the microwave ones by a mile however 😀
    Now go wrestle that Tumblr! … Alright! I will go an procure a Tumblr expert Assistant for you … Good Night, friend! ❄


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