Jan 11th – Pondering and getting sick ….

It’s catching up to me.  Not sleeping.  Tired.  Being around people with germs = flu.  My throat is sore.  It is going into my chest.  This is the time of year (like every year) that I get my annual sinus cold + infection.  Antibiotics, here I come!!  I must say though … I have been so lucky these past 3 months and not catching anything horrid that put me down and out.  There was a minor cold but doctor gave me something and I got rid of it.  Arggg…..

So my other short question before I go off to night night time is this … when and how does one recover from losing a child in the way I have?  Is there a set time for grief? I know I wrote about it the other night.  When does one think about going back to work?  When should one actually go back to work? Is this a normal death in a family?  Does life ever become the same again?  Is what I am doing with Amanda’s legacy futile?  Do I put it aside to go back to my job teaching children?  This is giving me a headache plus a heartache.

My spontaneous answers and thoughts include  … I am a mother foremost and always will be.  My Mama Bear will always come out to protect my cubs.  I will do what I need to do and whatever outcomes arise from that decision will have to be dealt with later.  My life changed on October 10th.  I will never be the same.  I will never think the same way.  I will never take life for granted.  I have learned more than ever that life is to be treasured and valued.  Amanda has taught not only me but the world about the life’s lessons that need to be learned by all of mankind.  Someone today told me about ‘Magical Moments’.  I am going to include a heading and I hope that everyone can share a ‘Magical Moment’ that they have had.

P.S. I love you!!! xoxo

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About Carol Todd

Being the mother of Amanda Todd has lead me on this journey shortly after Amanda's death on October 10, 2012. Amanda's prolific You Tube video has been viewed over 33 million times. Through this video, there has been an increased awareness about cyberbullying, social media safety and mental health. www.amandatoddlegacy.org
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27 Responses to Jan 11th – Pondering and getting sick ….

  1. GregSticker says:

    Sheesh, Excuse me I goofed. That is “Her Birthday My Life Lesson.” I could not edit the post to correct the glaring error there. Now I guess I need to get some sleep.

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  2. GregSticker says:

    Hi Ms. Todd. Again….
    You can click on the avatar of your posters here and see their profile. It is there that their personal links are found. I clicked on yours and could not see where I can send a private message. But my facebook and the blog I created is on mine. (profile). But anyway, here is the link. to my blog. Understand, I was hesitant to post it public because alot of forum sites don’t allow html posting to external links to keep visitors from coming in and spamming forums with messages that basically say,”go to my site….” Since you did ask, it is
    “My Birthday Her Life Lesson”
    http://eugie2012.blogspot.com/
    Finally, once you get to the blog I will tell you now, the chapters in the story are posted Chapter Three…. Chapter Two…. Chapter One…. in descending order. Just scroll down. Sorry, but that’s the way the site arranged itself. ie last thing posted appears first. I think there is an index to the upper riight corner that lists the contents. That should help. Also on the blog are a few tributes I made for Amanda and some musical clips that inspired me along the way while creating the story. Again I hope this effort is met with your approval. Take care and God Bless. Oh yes… I am from Port Arthur, Texas. If you do wish to you can Facebook me. Friend mwe I mean. Peace.

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  3. Sweet Carol…close the blinds, add another fluffy comforter onto the bed, take the phone off of the hook, get under the covers and curl up to a pillow and rest your eyes and mind. One moment at a time. One day at a time. One teardrop at a time.This is all the “pondering” you need to be doing right now.
    We love you back xoxo

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    • I would abolutely love to do that but then something beckons and I get up out of bed. Then the day starts… I find I can do that best if I am out of my house (like in a hotel).

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      • la Punisher says:

        I can’t remember the name and tried to find the name but couldn’t, I was more or less patrolling, Came across users fighting it out over Amanda, and I’m not going to say what was being said, I step into the fight and simply gave the bully a blast with some choice names and threaten to call on some of my friends from anonymous and scarecrow and hack her, get her info, and ruin her on the web and possible in the real world…. Told her to be a good person…next user thanked me… wasn’t long she was X’d …something along that line

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  4. Lisa says:

    Some times getting back into a routine can help. On days like the last few days you’ve had of some down time, it can make it very difficult to stay positive. Moving on does not mean forgetting. There will be many things or people along the way that remind you of Amanda. Those tears will turn into smiles when you get reminded of something funny she did or said. Maybe you need your kids at school. Ultimately you need to do what feels right for you. No one else’s opinion really matters. I hope you feel better soon. Please take care
    Lisa

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  5. Barb says:

    I really like how Brenda put it in her comment on Facebook . . . I am constantly amazed by you and what a difference you are making in Amanda’s memory. Feel well soon! Hugs from far away, Barb.

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  6. merle says:

    Dear Carol, My words to you will probably come in increments because so many thoughts are whirling through my head about what I can say to you to ease your doubts. Right now you are sick (flu?) when I had flu, I couldn’t get my head around anything but laying there and being sick. I couldn’t imagine lifting a finger for anyone (3 children and husband), I didn’t even feel like being alive (in the sense of feeling so lousy, I didn’t care if the world ended). This is all normal, and you must allow yourself time to get well first, because when we are ill…we cannot think straight. I also know it feels like you’ll never feel different than you do now, but depression can also come from being ill, and as you recuperate your “life force” will return. You are truly moving through the stages of grief…just a different order, because you chose to go head on in the beginning to bring Amanda’s message to others, whereas someone else might have turned inward to themselves. That in itself will change the stage order of grief, yet we all must pass through every one of them I believe. I don’t know if you even had time (understatement) to try sharing in a group with other grieving parents…if not, it may help…if you have, and it hasn’t helped…then it’s time for a different approach. But I say “approach” hesitantly, because there really isn’t an approach, there is only “one day at a time.” Please get well first and don’t worry about anything except YOU!

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  7. la Punisher says:

    I so do wish Carol, that I could reach out to you today, But I’m totally lost for “REAL” words, I don’t know the real feelings of losing a child I can only imagine, Being a stranger and feeling the pain that I feel over what happened, I can only imagine how great your sorrow must be.
    My God remove these chains already.
    I think I feel the same way as letshelpourchildren and I will let her words be mine

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  8. Amanda felt trapped by what she saw as a hopeless situation. Whatever the reality!! whatever the emotional support provided!!!! she felt isolated and cut off from life, friendships etc at that age it doesn’t seem to matter what grown ups say and think unfortunately!! she was certainly an extra special child a very sensitive one a rare gem in this crazy world! Something similar happened to my girlfriends daughter but she is very tough skinned and her peers were not as disgustingly nasty. I guess the trolls and predators didn’t get a whiff of it either!! I blame the kids and trolls! At the end of the day its the sensitive kinder sweeter people who suffer most. She felt intense pain, anguish, and hopelessness she just chose to end this unbearable pain. Just think of it this way She is no longer suffering!! I hope it helps bring you some comfort and ease. She has left her mark on the world and is also bringing much change to this world . who would have thought your little pumpkin was so special and so powerful!!! God bless you and yours Carol we are here for you! ❤

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    • Tristan says:

      wonderful words! nobody could every truly know or begin to understand what it is like losing a son or daughter in such manner, unless they have gone through it themself. They say time heels, and i believe within time your questions will be answered in some way or another. We can never go back in time to change things but we must learn from our past and use it in moving forward to help change our future. Its important to continue to move forward while keeping her memory and legacy alive. Her pain is gone, but her legacy lives on!

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  9. Dearest Carol the grieving process is different for every person. There are different stages
    Denial and Isolation, anger, bargaining depression and Acceptance. I hear it takes about two years on average to go through the stages. Coping with loss is a ultimately a deeply personal and singular experience nobody can help you go through it more easily or understand all the emotions that you’re going through. But others can be there for you and help comfort you through this process. The best thing you can do is to allow yourself to feel the grief as it comes over you. Resisting it only will prolong the natural process of healing. You are doing an amazing job keeping her memory alive!! Keep it up but don’t let it consume you. She has left her mark trust me!!! The whole world has spoken her name. I have three friends that have lost their children , one of them has raised millions for the children’s hospitals in her daughters name, it is wonderful to direct that pain into something noble and positive like you have!!! ❤ Another just had another child and my other friend had twins and has devoted her life taking care of one with cerebral palsy!! They all passed through their grieving process and are now happy!!! The pain will ease i promise!!! Stay positive my dear! Feel better! Sending you healing energy and love!! We are all here for you!! ❤

    Like

  10. barbara says:

    I do not have the answers….i guess only you can truly know……all i can offer u is a shouler to cry on, an ear for listening and a genuine hug to let u know i am and always will b here fo you….

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  11. Well there is probably no set path for grief for anything or anyone that I could ever see. I believe you are meant to be around children & parents and helping everyone understand: This could happen to anyone’s child. So let’s learn together parent & teens alike to travel the internet safely & with respect for others and ourselves. http://t.co/geyBSiE0

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  12. Dennis Vu says:

    Is what you’re doing futile? No… you have gotten so much done in 3 months and have so much more you can do. Normal is how you define normal…. loosing a child is one of the hardest things a parent can do. Life is never going to be quite the same after. Should you go back to teaching? That is a question only you can answer Carol, follow what you feel is right when the time comes, just remember regardless of your decision Amanda will always be in our hearts and minds.

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    • GregSticker says:

      I struggled a bit with the decision to post a reply. I truly do not know what I can say. But here goes.
      Since your daughter’s passing, I got involved on Facebook in support of Amanda, and your cause to preserve her legacy. She leaves a beautiful legacy. I made a mark on some people on Facebook. To her detractors, I was fierce!. To her supporters; I showed kindness. I realize now that fierceness must be tamed by kindness. . Forgive me me if this offends, but I feel like her spirit, is watching me too. Thus, I learned I have the strength to channel my energies in a positive way. I am a spiritual person; I pray and meditate. After a long debate within myself, I decided to reach out. Ms. Todd, I am reaching out to you personally and respectfully, please read my profile. See a link I put on it entitled “Her Birthday My Life Lesson..” If there is ANYthing on that blog that offends, I will remove. I am a short story writer (never published) my works but the day will come when maybe that will come to pass. But that aside, all my respect and prayers to you and your family. Peace of Christ be with you!
      Greg

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      • Hi Greg
        Thank you so much for finally reaching out. The messages that I get from people who care are the ones that keep me positive. Could you post a link to your blog or send it to me privately? I couldn’t find it. Hope you are having a good weekend… Where would you be writing from?

        Carol

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      • GregSticker says:

        Hope that somehow some way I can do something that really hopes this cause. Something concrete. Something real.

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