Day 11, 12, 13 after October 10th (for Amanda)

Rant for Day 11 – How come there are some people out there that can’t follow requests put out by family? When a family has a tragedy and requests that no one speak to the media, should that request not be respected. For the most part, everyone I know has asked if it was okay to mention this or that. I was able to yes or no. But when someone overtly wants to do something the opposite of what is requested, then my Mama Bear comes out and I get mad. I have had the most hellish/rollercoasterish ride in the past 11 days than I have ever had before. I don’t think this is one where many can actually say ‘I know how you might feel’ because no one (maybe a select few somewhere in the world) can possibly understand what this tragedy does to a person. To lose a precious soul and then to have it plastered all over the media day after day and to see some of the hateful things posted … another nightmare. To the true friends and acquaintances that have stood by and supported my decisions, wiped the tears from my ears, given me endless hugs (and bottles of wine), I love you from the bottom of my heart. Stand by me when I am falling and be ready to catch my tears and my snowflakes. I won’t ask for you, but if you watch me, you will know….. Hugz to everyone!!!

 “Oh crap … I typed my rant for Day 10 here and it was a good one. But technology has once again failed me and it froze and disappeared. I did screen shot half of it and will rewrite it tomorrow. Good night to all my wonderful and dear friends ….”

“Amanda was doing fine and was planning Halloween, her bday party, her tattoo, snowflake jewellry shopping and looking for her new laptop for her Christmas present. I don’t know what happened in the span on 12 hours on Tuesday night/Wed morning and afternoon!!!!!”

Rant for Day 12 – To my pleasure, today was a very calm day. It was a day to gather thoughts, emotions and feelings. We had to go to the church to make arrangements. It’s all about details. What needs to be said? What music? Where to sit? Where to stand? OMG …. too many questions. The flowers were easier. What colours? Vase or basket? How many? It was a happy outing. Jeffrey the planner called with good news. He found cupcakes. Norm and I found great looking memorial books for the guest signing. Amanda would have loved them. Also found more floss for the bracelets which are still ever so popular. So I am not really ranting today, just telling me story. Oh and I am so thankful to the surprises I had today with people wanting to contribute $$ to help us out with costs. Merci beaucoup!! Stay strong everyone because I am right now. Love you all….

 Rant for Day 13 – I don’t know if it is depressing for everyone to read my posts with the Day on them but for now it is helping get through it all. As I have previously said, it is so hard to understand and know that my Princess Snowflake is not here. I have yet to sit down and write the words that will be shared about her. I know I have to write it soon. I know I won’t be able to personally read it. In thinking about funerals and memorials, who invented them. It is a tradition to sit somewhere and watch a video with snapshots of someone you love with music that makes you cry. Or to listen to the words of people talking about your kid and it makes you sob (in public). I usually like my tears in private. Now they will be more public than ever. I wish I could change this tradition for myself but I seemingly can’t….. and that makes me sad. Not that it isn’t good to say good-bye but I already did. I will step of this soapbox temporarily and try to sleep. :p



About Carol Todd

Being the mother of Amanda Todd has lead me on this journey shortly after Amanda's death on October 10, 2012. Amanda's prolific You Tube video has been viewed over 33 million times. Through this video, there has been an increased awareness about cyberbullying, social media safety and mental health.
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5 Responses to Day 11, 12, 13 after October 10th (for Amanda)

  1. Hi Carol , your words are beautiful and inspiring. Thanks that you share your thoughts with us . Writing these things is certainly not always easy and simple for you. I have to think carefully about every word , because I want to say anything wrong . I’ve seen Amanda’s video for the first time on 13.10.2012 , for me that was not a good day . It was just heartbreaking and incredibly sad! I saw the video many times and it was sometimes difficult to suppress tears. Amanda’s video has been online since 7.9.12 . This is my birthday. A day like any other … Or not ? All this is now about 1 year ago , so much has happened, you have achieved so much . Sorry, but we also have new innocent victims , as Rehtaeh Parsons . It is so unspeakably sad to hear what was done to her! I can not tell you how awful I find it all ! Will this ever stop? YES , I know we can do it !
    I support your mission as best I can , I have several bracelets ( by Jeff Garrett on ebay ) and wear it with pride that I can support your work with it. Sometimes I am asked and I tell everyone who will listen Amanda ! I’m 36 , I live in Germany and I ‘m proud of you and your work, if I may say so 🙂 All the best to you!


  2. “To lose a precious soul and then to have it plastered all over the media day after day and to see some of the hateful things posted.”
    I remember that time well. It marks the point in time where we connected amidst all the media turmoil right here on Twitter.
    Then and there I decided to step up and contribute after reading how various callous online impesonators on Twitter were exploiting the grief of Amanda’s mom – you Carol.
    I remember reading all the articles at the time & also your heartwrenching tweets:
    “Saddened that people resort to making fake Twitter accounts to pretend to be someone they are not.” Carol, 21 October
    It seemed incredibly exploitative to me – truly another form of online bullying.
    Given just what you had to deal with at that point in time, it was impossible to stand by. So I was just an outsider wanting to help – just like so many others.
    There is little we can do to repair your loss, but we can stand up in our various way to make sure it was the last time it happens here in British Columbia.
    Bullycide is an a ugly reality. It cost you your precious child. It has to end.
    Pink Shirt Day is coming up all over Canada – this time let’s ALL stand up.
    Not just the kids in the schools. It should be all of us in pink any age & any place.


  3. la Punisher says:

    Depressing Yup In good way; But you do get a ” Tear and a Hug ” Stay Strong Carol


  4. Derek says:

    Very powerful and strong words love every second of your writing.What really made choke up was when you mentioned all the things she was planning. It made me sad to think how does one go from being happy to very sad and end it.


  5. Rob says:

    You mentioned : You have yet to sit down and write the words.
    It will come to you Carol.
    1’st in your dreams, then into a poem, and then into a beautiful song.
    You have this talent.
    Amanda sang Beautifully, and she knew it.


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