Day 21 and 22 after October 10th (for Amanda)

Day 21 (October 31st)  – Happy Halloween but I have to rant. Last night I stumbled on a Facebook site called ‘Amanda Todd’s Safe Haven’. It has been set up to be a safe place where people can go and post about Amanda without fear of being jumped upon by others. There are 3 wonderful people on the site than administrate it 24 hours a day by taking shifts (I think). I poked around the site last night and today and liked what I saw. When I posted a comment there, I got a message back from someone who was in awe because Amanda Todd’s ‘real’ mom actual posted a message on their site. Makes me feel like a ‘rock star’ of which I am not. Yes I will make comments on Facebook and/or Twitter and/or newspaper articles if I need to. I don’t have to hide behind the door anymore as I did in the first couple of weeks. But neither do I want to live in the fishbowl for media to find me either. For me right now, it’s about natural selection and I will select who I will comment to selectively. I am still being the momma bear and protecting the cub pack. I just read some articles written by Patrick McGuire about the pedophiles who troll the internet looking for young girls to victimize. When you think about the internet and how social media has made it easy to find people, then imagine the impressionable teenagers who have access to social media through their electronic devices. Too many!!! I won’t post the article links unless someone wants them but the articles were very interesting to read. I wouldn’t say it would be a topic for all though. The pedophiles of the world are cyberbullies in another sense and need to be dealt with. But how? Who knows right now? I wish that it had been a topic dealt with so many years ago becauset then … maybe I wouldn’t be having to write this rant on my Facebook page. Sleep well my friends … I have some wake time left. xoxo”

Day 22 (November 1st) – Time has gone by so quickly. And my darling princess has kept me busy with her legacy and crusade about anti-bullying. I have another two meetings tomorrow about the legacy Amanda left behind. Yes it keeps my brain busy and some have said to me to ‘slow down’. I could but I think that I know where Amanda got her internal drive from … yes her mommy. For those of you asking … Are you sleeping OK? My truthful answer is not really. But then again, for those of you who know me really well, that has always been the case. Even before Amanda. That’s why I always knew when my kids were sneaking to get food or in Amanda’s case – trying to sneak out on occasion. I was always up. So on YTV-HD tonight, they were showing a movie called Cyberbully. Amanda told me to watch it at the end of August. We watched most of it together. She said it paralleled her life. After watching it, I can actually say that I agree with her. The movie is worth watching by yourself and then with your kids. The messages sent are the same ones that we have been posting and trying to change. It’s amazing. After watching it tonight, I saw things in the movie that I didn’t see the first time. Here is the link –

About Carol Todd

Being the mother of Amanda Todd has lead me on this journey shortly after Amanda's death on October 10, 2012. Amanda's prolific You Tube video has been viewed over 33 million times. Through this video, there has been an increased awareness about cyberbullying, social media safety and mental health.
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13 Responses to Day 21 and 22 after October 10th (for Amanda)

  1. Rob says:

    Yes, and we all would have wanted to be her friend.


  2. merle48 says:

    To Rob, I think we have all “breathed” Amanda. (referring to the song, “Breathe Me.”


  3. Rob says:

    merle, I can answer “Why”
    From Amanda’s video, what she wrote in her Title, and what she wrote on those
    cards, and the music she chose for her video, and the fact that not enough
    people had seen her video to give her the support that could have made
    her not do what she did….. tears my heart.
    The last card she wrote in her video makes me soo sad, till this day, and
    I am alone. I know what it feels like when she wrote her feelings
    on those cards. Amanda had the support, Loving mother, a family,
    she was not alone in that sense, she just felt that way deep down inside.
    Why ? It is because of the people who bullied her.


  4. merle48 says:

    There is nothing wrong with any of our feelings….it’s called empathy, I believe. I really feel with all my heart that there are particular people all over the world that are affected in the most profound way by Amanda Todd. “Why, ” is the mystery, however, I believe in guardian angels and that certain people have a “larger” purpose on earth and in the hereafter than they, or we could know. It’s a comfort for me to know that I am in the same “boat” as all of you, and that I may be inspired to keep Amanda’s message alive. I’ve been around long enough to know that there are MORE truths that are stranger than fiction. For a while I felt immense sadness…now it’s amazement at the “power” one beautiful human being can have on us!


  5. Rob says:

    Tristan, la Punisher, Merle,
    I learned of Amanda’s story Oct 13. I felt soo sad and sick right from the
    beginning. I was so fragile, I could not eat for the longest time.
    Emotionally, I could have fell apart at any minuite, and I did. more than once.
    Through Amanda’s video she posted, she has introduced me to one of the
    most deeply touching heartbreaking songs I have ever heard in my life.
    It is the 2’nd song in her video.
    The song is called “Breathe Me” by Sia.
    This song is on You Tube, Sia, Breathe Me (KCRW 2007)


  6. Rob says:

    I too have no one to grieve with. But I do have contact with Carol, and
    that makes all the difference in the World for me.
    Some of the things you wrote, really hit me hard, especially when I
    think back to October.


    • Tristan says:

      Thank you Rob for your reply and la Punisher. I seem to be opening up a lot more these days and always tend to speak my mind and from the heart. I tend to beat myself up sometimes after posting a comment when looking back and re-reading it, just because i feel that i might of said a bit too much or it doesn’t come out the way i mean for it at times and i think to myself ” why did i put all that?” in fear that it might of sounded not like I intended. But reading your guy’s reply’s really helps and re assures me, and makes me feel better about it. So I just want to thank you for that!


  7. Tristan says:

    Rob, la Punisher, and merle48 , i can identify and relate to everything that you are saying. I too was completely devastated when learning of Amanda’s passing. I learned of her on the 11th of October, and talked about it and watched her video many times during the next few days. But then it really started to hit me afterwards, i just could not stop thinking of her,, to a point i couldn’t perform my daily work tasks to my full potential, i just couldn’t function normally. I was very confused by it all just because i didn’t understand why i was feeling and experiencing such strong grieving and mourning emotions for someone i never knew. The worst part of it was the fact i had no one to grieve with,, no one i could put my arms around and who would understand what i was going through , as i didn’t know myself. Many, many times i would just break down,, and try and not be seen by people and let it all out. Its not easy to explain to people in person why your so upset and hurt, when you didn’t know the one who passed on in person.I couldn’t stop saying her name over and over again, either to myself or out loud when no one was around. I can recall a time were i just went out for a random long drive way out near the wind turbines far out into the woods, basically in the middle of nowhere and i had to get out , look to the sky and just yell out her name,, I don’t know if anyone else understands this or could relate but it was a very strange time for me. Every single morning and night, i would go to bed and wake up thinking of her. It wasn’t until i made contact with Amanda’s mom Carol that i finally started to come back around and start to feel my normal self again. Still and always will be very sad, hurt and touched about the whole story of Amanda, but at least i was finally able escape and get out from under that black cloud that i was under for that whole while.. Thinking back to that time is very hazy and foggy. Is and was the strangest thing ive ever experienced.


    • la Punisher says:

      Tristan… That was and still is a hard time, And yes, I can understand those feelings you had, I believe that Amanda has touched everyone of us around the world in such a personal way that we all will have a part in what she has started and help bring it to fruitation, It’s going to take all of us doing our part to bring it on.. And I love that little girl so much that I really want to do my part.


  8. la Punisher says:

    merle48: you said it all, I felt the same way and still do, I found out 2 weeks after the fact and it bothered me terribly and than I woke up crying one nite about a month ago because of the way this child was treated, I still get tears in my eyes when I come across a touchy story, Carol, You really are an amazing mom.


  9. Rob says:

    Very well written, Merle.
    I still cannot accept it, the tragic decision Amanda made, and still cannot
    “shake off” those feelings. Since learning of Amanda back in October,
    I have been Forever Changed, and will be for the rest of my life.


  10. merle48 says:

    I came by this site by accident… sort of. After trying to follow up on Amanda’s story, and reading so many articles related to it, brought me here by a link where Carol replied to someone who had a touching blog about her daughter. I was really very sad and felt really helpless about not knowing about this sad story until after the facts. I’m sure many of us who care feel the same. I was so disturbed by my own strong feelings that I couldn’t shake off from day to day, (which made me very sad) that I actually had conversations with God to show me a way to turn the sadness into something else more positive. By being able to share with others who feel the same as I do….and especially to have Amanda’s mother share with us her true feelings…is exactly what God ordered! These blogs have allowed me to experience a bond…however “virtual” it may be, with others like me and to realize how much “sharing” brings healing. I am truly honored to be able to post on this site….which to me is almost “holy” in the sense of such a tragedy that should really be so private, and such a loving Mom who continues to give….way past anyone’s expectations!


  11. Tristan says:

    I remember this one very well. It was the first time i sent off a message to you along with the SH link. I remember receiving my first reply from you and it left me with the most wonderful feeling through out the entire day. I was so nervous at first just because i dident know what to expect, but after receiving your message i felt like i was lifted 10 feet from the ground. It meant so much too me that day, and really helped a healing process begin for me.


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