February 4 – Hard day …. eyes hurt!!

It was one of those days for me.  One of Amanda’s friends (and his dad) came to visit. (Pssttt… thank you for the beautiful roses.  I love them!!!)   I am not sure why but I became an emotional wreck.  This usually happens to me when I come across people who have been really close to Amanda.  This particular person had been her friends when she was a middle school.  They shared secrets, stories, laughs and much more.  As they grew older, they grew apart and different, especially when Amanda moved to her dads.  But eventually, they started texting again and communicating.  The funny thing is that when this person and his friend came by to visit Amanda, they would stand on the street, in the driveway or on the doorstep.  Amanda always said that they were scared of me.  I think they were either that or must too shy.  It was the strangest thing.  Even on Halloween when they had costumes on.  Too scared to talk …

I gave this boy person one of Amanda’s favourite bears.  It played a song. It had a purple outfit on it.  I hope that the bear is well looked after and remembered.  I can see how hard it is for some of Amanda’s friends to realize and understand that she is not with us, that she reached out to so many of us and that she has left behind an important message.  I think we all have some guilt as to why we weren’t there for Amanda that afternoon.  My only answer is that although she wanted us, she didn’t.  If she did, she would be here with us right now.  I have no answers.  Only questions.  But those questions will never get answered.

I re-read the article from the Montreal Gazette from last week on Catherine Hogan’s You Tube video.  I am pleased to say that I have been in touch with both persons.  I know that Amanda went to her teachers. Particularly one.  I asked Leah about her thoughts on the article.  This is what Leah wrote to me.  I asked if I could share and she said yes.  The words to follow are so strong.  So true.  So forthright.  I cry each time I read them because they are so true to heart.

“As I reflected on CABE ….It is such a place of love.  I wish the reporter could feel the love in our building.  Amanda is still there with us still.  She will always be in my hear and guide me as a teacher.  I always leave work wondering what else I could have done?  I text kids to check in, and I am always available to listen, we all are in the CABE building. I guess we just know that in our hearts that she was cared for and loved, and we have to let the world do with it does.  I get so bummed at times and reflect on that last week with Amanda, but I have to tell myself that in my heart, I know that she knew we loved her. She talked very openly with me Carol and she loved you so much.  She stayed as long as she did on this earth, because of you …..”
I do not know what to say.  I had always hoped students would know that we ( teachers) care, it is why we are teachers,  it is why I chose CABE. I think it is hard for some youth to open up, to know what they are feeling, or to express what they feel.  I try to be open, and non-judgmental, I try to put love and care first.  I think of Amanda every day.  She motivates me to slow down, listen and to offer love and support.  She has made me a better and more open teacher.” 
Those words are written with caring and compassion that teachers hold true in their heart and souls.  I know that when I taught in a school (for 26 years), I loved going there.  I loved the kids.  I loved the parents.  Even now, there are so many parents that continue to keep in touch with me.  They have truly appreciated the connection made with their children and themselves.  For that, I am proud to be a teacher.  
The same goes for being a parent.  It was never an easy job but I felt about it the same way as I did about my profession.  I loved the challenges and the connection of being close to my kids.  
Life continues. It is not easy.  Nor will I make it too hard.   I still have a job to do because I am still a mom to Amanda and her brother.
Love to all xoxo
(6 days till 4 months)

About Carol Todd

Being the mother of Amanda Todd has lead me on this journey shortly after Amanda's death on October 10, 2012. Amanda's prolific You Tube video has been viewed over 33 million times. Through this video, there has been an increased awareness about cyberbullying, social media safety and mental health. www.amandatoddlegacy.org
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10 Responses to February 4 – Hard day …. eyes hurt!!

  1. Hamsi says:

    This post was difficult for me to read because you spoke of “that afternoon”. I am attaching a link to an article I read in October…I haven’t sent it earlier because I did not know whether it will upset you or comfort you, but it is from the perspective of someone who went through the same thing in his youth, and sensitively written.

    I have greatly appreciated all the comments to this post.


  2. Paul K says:

    When a boy takes a shining to a girl,it first starts when he see’s her for the first time. She is the most beautiful girl he has ever seen.She is in his head.He dreams of meeting her.One day,he is in front of her house.She comes to the door,and waves.He can’t talk,or move…..What probably happened to those lads was that they were faced with reality.In their heads,they longed to meet Amanda,but when she came to the door,it became real.They got their wish,but they were young and were overwhelmed as their world expanded a little.Of course they were shy.This happens to boy’s all the time.Adults too.It is a beautiful thing.Merle,great post today.I agree with your sentiments.We are starting to see the benefits of Carol carrying the ball this far.The dots are starting to get connected.Answers can be derived.What did Leah just say to Carol?.Phrases-“still in my heart”,”more better and more open teacher”,etc.How many people now,have said something that closely parallels these statements?If that reporter had 100 people lined up in front of her,and stuck a microphone in their face,and they all said roughly the same thing,what would she deduce?Yes this is turning out to be a “beautiful mystery “indeed.


  3. la Punisher says:

    I do enjoy reading the blogs and comments, I read them everyday…But 4 the time being that’s all I am doing, just reading, No comment.


  4. Rob says:

    Yes, What Leah wrote did come Directly From Her Heart.

    About the kids standing on the driveway, waiting for Amanda,
    Here is my thought : They know Amanda’s Mom is a teacher,
    they might have thought that “they may get a “lecture” from Carol, asking them if all thier homework is done !!


    • Rob – so true. I know that my being a teacher (even in the area we live in) was scary for some of the kids. Also for the reason that – I knew there teachers and their parents sometimes. 🙂 But now that the kids are growing up, they like the fact that we can all talk together.


  5. merle48 says:

    To Tristan, Thank you for saying what I was thinking as I read this blog. I’m glad you can speak for me because sometimes I think and say too much!


    • Tristan says:

      thank you merle48 and jimmyhalley4, im glad i can put a few words here for you, i love what you write merle48, your posts are so insightful, encouraging and meaningful. I have the same issue too though, i often worry if im saying too much at times, when re reading some of my comments :/ but its when i see replys like yours makes me feel better about them 🙂 at least it makes me feel i was on the right track anyway.


  6. merle48 says:

    I believe 100% that Amanda is guiding many of us. There are no easy words to those that loved her so much…her family, friends and teachers. How do we who
    care, help you to heal and accept? I try to imagine how I would be…but I really can’t, because it hasn’t happened to me. I try to imagine so many well-meaning people pouring out their feelings about Amanda to you without ever having met her. I can’t get past the mystery of that. So it hits me like a “ton of bricks” that Amanda’s spirit is such a strong presence in this world. That enables me some “positive” feelings.
    As for that “reporter” and all the people who feel the need to question everything,
    “Never explain. Your friends do not need it and your enemies will not believe it anyway.” ~Elbert Hubbard, A Thousand and One Epigrams, 1911
    Although there is no easy way out of the feeling of “failing” someone, I pray for the wisdom to come to all that were close to Amanda, as to realize you all did all you could do. About the “questions that will never be answered” …I believe you will find the answers someday, but they will be answered by yourself, to yourself. A good quote to ponder, ” If you keep rephrasing the question, it gradually becomes the answer.” by Robert Brault With true sincerity I try to make you feel just a wee bit better, if I say anything too harsh…I apologize.


  7. Tristan says:

    I really enjoyed reading this one,, just that message from Leah was just so honest and truthful, and you can tell it’s directly from her heart. I often wondered how the one’s that got to spend so much time with her everyday, on a daily basis how they are doing. You keep us well posted on how you are doing and feeling through out the days and we sometimes hear about how some of family or friends may be doing. But ive always been wondering about some of the people like Leah or anyone who has spent so much time with her in the run of a regular day, how they may be doing. Teachers, school mates, even her doctor’s ive wondered about. I know a lot about how her passing has affected many of people like myself and other complete strangers or better way to put it (people that just never had the opportunity to know her in person) and how it has affected so many of us. But the ones that got to see her every day, spend time with her or see her on a regular schedule, i often think of them, and wonder how they are coping . My heart and thoughts are with them all, and of course with you, family and friends.


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