Day 35 – One month + 5 days (November 14, 2012) – Ouch!! What a $%#@ day. I guess I opened a whole can of worms today with some simple words. Can’t take whatever words back and it was how I felt. Didn’t really expect it to go that viral. I am still somewhat upset at the whole thing and even more so when it spins so differently with each article that I have read. So instead of ranting tonight, I am posting a blog from a good friend of mine. Please read his piece of writing. I found it very truthful and inspirational. Post your thoughts after reading please. http://remicollins.blogspot.ca/2012/11/tears-are-not-enough-what-happens-after.htm
Day 35 – One month + 5 days (Part 2) – Where does the time go? I am not sure. It’s already Friday and the end of the week. It’s 2 days until the memorial and I still have to and want to alter my words of Tribute to Amanda. Some of you might say why, the first one was good. However, there have been many more lessons learned in the past five weeks and I have had many more recalls of memories. I don’t know how many of you have watched the interview that I did yesterday with CBC National. I have heard from others that they feel that ‘I done good’. I have not idea because those that know me well 1) I don’t accept compliments very well at all, 2) I haven’t watched the interview (I have PVR’d it), 3) I know it was one of the hardest things that I had to do in the past five weeks. I cannot even imagine that at the beginning of this journey when all the media were ‘sniffing us out’ if we had done an interview on camera with anyone. It would have been an endless flow of kleenex. Yes I cried during this interview as the feelings are still very raw and deep.
I find that being alone is still so very hard even though I must get used to it. Some have asked if I am going back to work soon. Right now as I sit here, I can’t even imagine thinking and doing all those things that my work entails me to do. Too much for my brain to handle right now.
On the outside, everyone is saying I am strong and I am being a great advocate. On the inside, I am still Amanda’s mom and I miss her each and every day. I silently get mad at her for doing what she did. Even though she ‘told me’ to not get mad as this was what she wanted to do, I can’t help to think that this wasn’t really the plan. She had plans and knew what the goals were until Christmas.
Many still ask if I have watched her video. I think I may have answered that on the interview. I haven’t and I can’t right now. And some will say WHY NOT? I have no real answer except to say that in my heart, I am better right now if I don’t. When I am a stronger person inside, then maybe I will be able to. My other answer would be ‘Is it really that important at this present moment?’ I think my Mama Bear is getting grouchier.
Love to you all …. xoxo
(PS – I am not sure how 4 hours of sleep a night can be enough.)”