It’s 5 months today. 5 long months. 5 months where I have had time to think, reflect, cry and mourn for losing you. I often sit and wonder about whether those that inflicted the pain upon you ever think about you? Do they feel remorse? Have they changed their behaviours?
The year of firsts (from what I hear) is always the hardest. Since October 10th, you have missed Halloween, your birthday, Christmas, New Years and Valentine’s Day. I hope that you have been able to watch the festivities in other ways. There are so many more months and special days to go.
When the sun eventually comes out, I think of you. You loved the sunshine. You loved the warmth. You were always anxious to wear your flip flops and get into your shorts and tank tops and sit out in the sun with your big sunglasses and then sit on my lap when you were hot and cuddly. Remember in the summer when you and your friends would sleep on the sundeck. You loved it because we had no steps and the raccoons couldn’t come up and attack you in your sleep. However, the spiders and wasps were still around.
The spring clothes are out. I will miss our spring shopping sessions. Going to the mall without you is still really hard for me. We used to argue when we shopped because you wanted everything. But as you grew older and more appreciative, you mellowed out. It turned fun. It turned into what a mother and daughter was supposed to do. We would shop. Go out for lunch. Laugh. Have fun. I will miss it. I miss you.
I didn’t want to write this letter to you and cry. But here I go again, the tears come easily when I think about you and how much your presence is missed. I have spent the last few weeks connecting and reaching out to those who have lost and those who are fortunate to still have their kids and helping them heal. I met a girl and her mom from Alberta. You would have loved them. They love you even though you never got the chance to meet. They are coming to visit next weekend. They will both undoubtedly feel your presence and you can guide them on their visit.
And I have to tell you that there is going to be a bench at Settler’s Park for you. It will be right next to Bailey’s. You will be able to see the ducks swim. It is close to the big rock you would sit on with your friends. You can see the hill that you sit on last summer as you began your journey into getting your life back together. The bench is being given to us by the school communities of Kilmer and Citadel. It will be there in my meaning of forever!! No one will ever understand what forever means.
Miss you baby girl (my Princess Snowflake).
Love mom xoxo (forever always)
I wrote a blog earlier today about losses and grief. Nothing prepares us to be a parent just as nothing prepares us for losses of life. Last week I asked the question of what was normal. I wish I knew. But each day from now on will be the new normal.
I don’t sleep right. Will I ever? The energy drain. The instantaneous tears. I get tired of it. Will it last forever. I hope not. I will always miss Amanda. Forever 15. I heard that in the Bully movie. I would rather say ‘Almost 16’ as that was what Amanda was looking forward to most. I will end this blog here. I have to go find Kleenex.
Hugz to my friends (those I have met and those I haven’t yet) xoxo
(Purple spring flowers for my Princess Snowflake)