March 10th – 5 months without Amanda (found a first copy)

March 10 @ 1:06 a.m. 5 months today without Amanda ….

by caroltodd1996

Dear Amanda,

It’s 5 months today.  5 long months.  5 months where I have had time to think, reflect, cry and mourn for losing you.  I often sit and wonder about whether those that inflicted the pain upon you ever think about you?  Do they feel remorse?  Have they changed their behaviours?

The year of firsts (from what I hear) is always the hardest. Since October 10th, you have missed Halloween, your birthday, Christmas, New Years and Valentine’s Day. I hope that you have been able to watch the festivities in other ways.  There are so many more months and special days to go.

When the sun eventually comes out, I think of you.  You loved the sunshine.  You loved the warmth.  You were always anxious to wear your flip flops and get into your shorts and tank tops and sit out in the sun with your big sunglasses and then sit on my lap when you were hot and cuddly.  Remember in the summer when you and your friends would sleep on the sundeck.  You loved it because we had no steps and the raccoons couldn’t come up and attack you in your sleep.  However, the spiders and wasps were still around.

The spring clothes are out.  I will miss our spring shopping sessions. Going to the mall without you is still really hard for me.  We used to argue when we shopped because you wanted everything. But as you grew older and more appreciative, you mellowed out.  It turned fun.  It turned into what a mother and daughter was supposed to do.  We would shop. Go out for lunch.  Laugh.  Have fun.  I will miss it.  I miss you.

I didn’t want to write this letter to you and cry.  But here I go again, the tears come easily when I think about you and how much your presence is missed.  I have spent the last few weeks connecting and reaching out to those who have lost and those who are fortunate to still have their kids and helping them heal.  I met a girl and her mom from Alberta.  You would have loved them.  They love you even though you never got the chance to meet. They are coming to visit next weekend.  They will both undoubtedly feel your presence and you can guide them on their visit.

And I have to tell you that there is going to be a bench at Settler’s Park for you.  It will be right next to Bailey’s.  You will be able to see the ducks swim.  It is close to the big rock you would sit on with your friends.  You can see the hill that you sit on last summer as you began your journey into getting your life back together.  The bench is being given to us by the school communities of Kilmer and Citadel.  It will be there in my meaning of forever!! No one will ever understand what forever means.

Miss you baby girl (my Princess Snowflake).

Love mom xoxo (forever always)

I wrote a blog earlier today about losses and grief.  Nothing prepares us to be a parent just as nothing prepares us for losses of life.  Last week I asked the question of what was normal.  I wish I knew. But each day from now on will be the new normal.

I don’t sleep right. Will I ever?  The energy drain.  The instantaneous tears.  I get tired of it.  Will it last forever.  I hope not.  I will always miss Amanda.  Forever 15. I heard that in the Bully movie.  I would rather say ‘Almost 16’ as that was what Amanda was looking forward to most.  I will end this blog here.  I have to go find Kleenex.

Hugz to my friends (those I have met and those I haven’t yet) xoxo

(Purple spring flowers for my Princess Snowflake)



About Carol Todd

Being the mother of Amanda Todd has lead me on this journey shortly after Amanda's death on October 10, 2012. Amanda's prolific You Tube video has been viewed over 33 million times. Through this video, there has been an increased awareness about cyberbullying, social media safety and mental health.
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17 Responses to March 10th – 5 months without Amanda (found a first copy)

  1. Carina says:

    Crying with you, empty feelings
    Lost for words, wishing you peace


  2. Savetheworld says:

    We love you Carol! Sending you healing energy and strength!! i wish I could have met or known your beautiful daughter I think we all feel this way! 😦 She will live on, in our hearts and our minds forever!! ❤


  3. Paul K says:

    I want to say thank-you to la Punisher,for the courtesy of translating a post of a person who tries to reach Carol,and indirectly,us.I wish no barriers in communication.My Dear Carol-The posters above me tonight found the fortitude to respond to your loving expressions for Amanda.Your assembly of words were such that they turned into mental pictures when read.I can see what you mean,but I find I cannot answer you back tonight.Too deep of a penetration of a Mother’s love for her child,for me to encroach upon.


  4. Niall McDade says:

    That was beautiful, Carol. Now I have to go find Kleenex. Stay strong.


  5. merle48 says:

    I believe this:

    Normal is nothing more than a cycle on a washing machine.
    Whoopi Goldberg


  6. Peter Carter says:

    That was so beautiful carol, i whish i could donate money to you in person to show my respect for i hope you can reply.


  7. Andria says:

    Hola Me chamo Andria ,quero dizer neste dia que Todos os dias da minha vida com as pessoas acreditando ou não em Deus que vou orar pela alma de Amanda para que ela descance em paz …e que Deus perdoe as mas pessoas que tanto fizeram mal a Amanda ,esta sua mensagen Senhora Carol me fez acreditar que Deus um dia vai fazer com que veja sua filha ..mas agora a Senhora tem uma missão na terra …


    • la Punisher says:

      Translation = Hola My name is Andria, I mean in this day All the days of my life with people believing in God or not I’ll pray for the soul of Amanda so she rest in peace … and may God forgive you but people who have done so much harm Amanda, this post your Lady Carol made ​​me believe that one day God will make you see your daughter .. but now the Lady has a mission on earth …


  8. Tristan says:

    Such beautiful words and very heart – touching,, you can really feel the emotions while reading this one through. The days will move on by, the seasons will come and go, and the years will gradually but surly accumulate in time. I think time is the only thing that can and will properly help you heal in terms of grieving and heart ache. I also think it is just as important for you to have your “alone time” where you need to ‘think and cry’ just as much as getting out, keeping your mind off of everything, having some laughs and some fun with friends and family, (getting out of the daily routine and having a blast whenever you can). Obviously some days out of the year will always be more emotional than other days but I’m sure over time you will learn how to cope differently and have better control on when to let it all out. I will for sure have my candle lit for PS tonight. (We need to invent a PS candle, pink with snowflakes)


  9. Sue Hindle says:

    What a beautiful letter Hugs to you .. Thinking of you and Amanda today


  10. merle48 says:

    I thought of these song lyrics when you mentioned “forever” I hope you get some meaning from them.

    Now that you’re gone

    Gone forever
    But the day goes on forever
    Yeah, yeah, yeah

    And I remember when we were fools
    Everything was me and you
    Thought we were kings with time to kill
    But yesterday is done and tomorrow’s yet to come
    You live and learn

    Some people never take the time to try
    The way you live’s the way you die
    The stuff of life’s in short supply
    And if it sometimes hits you strong

    Remembering that things go wrong
    The song of life is just a song
    And everything goes on and on

    Now that you’re gone
    Gone forever
    But the day goes on forever

    Yeah, yeah, yeah

    Annie Lennox and the Eurythmics 1999


  11. Michael S says:

    Big Hug Carol


  12. la Punisher says:

    Very beautiful letter Carol, Brought a few tears to the eyes, I was just thinking that maybe when the letter disappeared it was being delivered… God Bless you Carol…”Stay Strong” Hugz2U


  13. Derek says:

    Very beautiful words Carol I know Amanda is looking down with a big smile on her face and no more pain.
    Her and all the other kids have gotten together and she has new friends and as we all miss her we know she’s safe.


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