March 10th – 5 months without Amanda (2nd try)

I really am not liking WordPress.  I just wrote a blog and it disappeared off the face of the internet again.

Dear Amanda

It’s been 5 months without you.  So hard. So tough.  The new normal.  I hate it.  I wish you were here. I just wrote you a spectacular letter and cried through the writing of it. Then it disappeared.  Can I replicate it.  Not sure.  It’s now 4 a.m. (new time) and I don’t want to write it again.  You brought on new tears and new meanings.  When I write, I write from the heart the first time.  I will try to find it or write tomorrow.  I know a couple of people read it so I didn’t imagine writing or posting it.  Did you have a hand in making it disappear.

In the first attempt at writing, I cried through the entire writing of it.  Sorry, couldn’t help it.  The emotional rollercoaster is crazy.  Maybe that’s why my head hurts alot of the times.  Did you know you have caused so many things to happen around the world?  Mostly good.  You have made me (your mom) connect with so many different people.  Some have lost a child.  Some are helping their children heal and get better.  I have shared stories and shoulders, tears and kleenex.  You would not believe how missed you are.  Your teachers still miss you.  Brutal!!

When I wrote this first letter to you 3 hours ago, it made me cry.  I wrote about how we should be shopping, singing, dancing. How you loved the warmth of the sunshine.  How you couldn’t wait to lie on the sundeck or sit on my knee even though you were growing to be as big as me. YOu were still my baby girl.  We should be hanging out and laughing together and crying together for the same reasons.  Instead, I cry because I miss you so much.  Your friends miss you so much too.  There are even people who don’t know you who miss you so much.  Two special people from Alberta are coming next weekend to visit,  You don’t know them but they know you really well.   This is the impact you have made on the world.

I wish you were here to sit on your bench at the pond.  It will be next to Bailey’s bench.  The school communities of Kilmer and Citadel are putting it in for us.   It will be by the big rock that you used to sit on with your friends.  You can see the hill you sat on last summer thinking about life.  We sat there squishing bugs and eating chips.  It was there that you decided that you wanted to live your life and start getting out more.   I loved you so much for your brave choices those nights we sat and watched the sun go down (and the bugs come out).

I hope that those who have hated you and both bullied/cyberbullied you (and me) have thought about their actions.  I pity them.  It makes me wonder what they are like now with others.  What they will be like with their own kids?  If they realize their their actions resulted in the emotional damage it caused you.  In my own selfishness, I hope so.  Lessons have to be learned.  Even to those that called you names when we were together on the driveway that day.   I still shake my head at that.  I know who the boys were.   I only hope they do too.

Life will never be the same.  Your friends will never be the same without you.  We will always light a candle on the 10th of every month for sure.  Snowflakes will be bountiful.  They turn into snowballs.  Then into the snowpeople you loved to make.  How many hats and mittens did we find in the yard in the spring thaw?  Also, one of my bestest friends has snowdrops in her garden.  We were looking all over for them and she had them in Chilliwack. You will always remember Jane as the person who lived on the farm with the animals.

We all miss you.  We all wish you were here with us.  We know you can see us, watch us and dance and laugh with us in your own way.

Love you always and forever, mom xoxo

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About Carol Todd

Being the mother of Amanda Todd has lead me on this journey shortly after Amanda's death on October 10, 2012. Amanda's prolific You Tube video has been viewed over 33 million times. Through this video, there has been an increased awareness about cyberbullying, social media safety and mental health. www.amandatoddlegacy.org
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16 Responses to March 10th – 5 months without Amanda (2nd try)

  1. merle48 says:

    Don’t know if you’ll see this post, however, I just reread your passionate blog, and I thought again of the song. “These Are the Days” by Van Morrison, that I posted for you on the “song” page. When you speak about your fondest memories… “You can see the hill you sat on last summer thinking about life. We sat there squishing bugs and eating chips. It was there that you decided that you wanted to live your life and start getting out more. I loved you so much for your brave choices those nights we sat and watched the sun go down (and the bugs come out)”
    . How befitting is the last stanza in this beautiful song:
    “These are the days now that we must savor
    And we must enjoy as we can
    These are the days that will last forever
    You’ve got to hold them in your heart.”

    And you do Carol.

    Like

    • I did see your post and actually every one of them that gets written as it comes to me via email. I do not however get the chance to respond to them all. Thank you for thinking about me and about Amanda. Love the songs that people are posting.

      Squishing bugs was one of those things that even though it is not a good thing to do, it was fun at the time. And one that I will always remember. Hugz … xoxo

      Like

  2. Paul K says:

    Extra-heavy duty today,Carol.My facility with words cannot follow your emotional,loving post.In breakdown mode……

    Like

  3. Peter Carter says:

    That was so beautiful carol it brought tears to my eyes, whish i can donate money to you in person and give you a BIG hug email me if you whish @ hawk.stronghold@hotmail.co.uk

    would love you to reply thank you

    Peter Carter

    Like

  4. merle48 says:

    You know what? I think your “second” try at writing this blog was exactly what you needed to do…to say it all over again…

    Like

  5. Hoy una vela encendida por Amanda brilla en mi casa.
    Desde que conocí su historia princesa del copo de nieve siempre la llevo en el corazón.
    Todo mi cariño, afecto y admiración Carol
    Un abrazo inmenso desde Argentina

    Like

    • la Punisher says:

      Translation = Today a candle by Amanda shines in my house.
      Since I met her story snowflake princess always in my heart.
      All my love, affection and admiration Carol
      A huge hug from Argentina

      Like

  6. Amanda here is a candel burning for you above my monitor. You’r candel seems to be burning brighter than those before.
    Because of you I have dedicated my heart and time to those bullied. I’m sure it is because of you so many of us are still surviving.
    We love you and we will always remember you.

    Like

  7. Michelle says:

    Carol, my heart is so heavy! I didn’t know Amanda! But I imagine her being no different than my own 16 year old daughter! I’m so sorry this world is so cruel! I’m sorry that some ppl living in this world are cruel!! Please don’t cry you will be together again one day until then please stay the amazing Mom that you are!! I think about you and pray for you and Amanda everyday and will continue to do so till the day I no longer walk this earth! May Peace!

    Like

  8. la Punisher says:

    Candle will be glowing, snowflake will be dangling, Loving thoughts will be on Amanda

    Like

  9. merle48 says:

    My heart is breaking with you right now…your writing expresses your poignant love of your daughter…your agony, your memories, and yourself…trying to accept this harsh fate that was handed you. These are the days of reminiscing, of missing and reluctant assent, that are part of your healing. I ask this question with true sincerity…What can I do to help you to heal?

    Like

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