March 11th – 5 months + 1 day after October 10th …

What can I say.  I am speechless at the amount of tributes, thoughts, words and pictures that were posted yesterday.  It was endless.  It made me happy to see and definitely buoyed me (made me happier) than I was than last night writing one blog.  Posting it.  Then watching it disappear.  Then having to write another one similar.  But finding the first one.  It was enough to drive me loopy.  Then to have the dog watch me do this.  I swear it was Amanda watching me.  This is what happened …

We have a dog named Mandy.  Yes, named by the one and only Amanda Todd.  I had written my first posting.  Then went upstairs to bed.  Mandy (the dog) was lying across the bed watching me as I came into the bedroom.  I have to say this… that Mandy does not usually do this.  She spends alot of time with Amanda’s brother or with Rob but not with me at night.  So I went to bed with my laptop to read the news.  For some reason, I went to check to see my blog post had gone into Twitter and when I clicked the link, one of those error messages came up.  Oh crap (well, I used more colourful words than that).  So I searched and asked the person who I knew had already read and commented on it.  She said she couldn’t get into it anymore.  Darn dog is sitting there watching me with a look.  Hard to describe the look but it was one of those looks like ‘come on there, get with my program’.  At that time, I wasn’t going to rewrite but then I decided to write a little bit.  It turned into the ‘2nd try blog post’.  Wasn’t as emotional as the first.  But I wrote it.  Posted it.  And then the dog went away to sleep with the brother.   But then I decided to go into my emails and there it was.  All posts and comments get sent to my email. So I copied and pasted and titled it the ‘the first blog post’ or something like that.  By then, it was 4 a.m. (old time) – 5 a.m. (new time).  That’s the story about the blog post. Now I have to just remember to always hit the ‘Save Draft’ button… OFTEN!!!

My day went okay.  I didn’t do much of anything.  Woke up with another headache.  Cancelled my workout session. Stayed home all day. Drank tea.  Answered messages. Read the news.  Kind of a boring day but that’s what I needed.  I don’t get those very often.  The week days are like a race of events.  I can see now how a quiet vacation might be good to refuel the body.  But then it will drain again.  I know me too well.  I would just like the spontaneous tears to slow down or give me warning.  If I say it is becoming a nuisance, will anyone get mad at me.  I’m sure there will be some.  But as for anything, it’s a time thing.  Will it ever go away.   Some say yes.  Some say no.  I have yet to go into her room for a long period of time.  Just can’t yet and won’t.   Someone has offered to make memory quilt(s) from her clothing.  I love the idea.   Will I be home to get them out of her room.  I don’t think I can.  Just those pieces are so hard.  I avoid them to not feel the pain.  Once again, visuals for me are forever.

Let me think of an Amanda story to tell to lighten this us …. we were in Disneyland.  She went with her BFF and I took her brother down.  Amanda never really knew that her brother was there until Day 3.  We surprised her.  I had talked to her on the phone that morning.  She thought I was home in PoCo.  She said she missed me.  I said, “OK.  I will fly down to meet you.”  She was “You can’t.  It’s too far away.”  I said, “Doesn’t matter.  I will come.” She was all excited.  When I knocked on the door a few hours later, she was so surprised.  It was great.  Never did tell her that I was already there and was planning on being with her.  At that age in Disneyland (she was 7), it was all about the princesses and fairies.  Oh and being short.  Amanda was always a rollercoaster fast ride kind of kid.  Her BFF was a head taller than Amanda was.  There is a height requirement for many of the fast rides.  Amanda never made it. Even with platform runners.  😦  The good thing is that we went back to Disneyland later on for a cheer competition and she got to go on those rides that she missed.

Love you princess… xoxo

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About Carol Todd

Being the mother of Amanda Todd has lead me on this journey shortly after Amanda's death on October 10, 2012. Amanda's prolific You Tube video has been viewed over 33 million times. Through this video, there has been an increased awareness about cyberbullying, social media safety and mental health.
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7 Responses to March 11th – 5 months + 1 day after October 10th …

  1. Sue Hindle says:

    Great story Carol.. thank you for sharing your special memories with us.. hugs


  2. Hamsi says:

    Amanda had tremendous joie de vivre — zest for life…that is what kept her strong for so long. The people who harassed her couldn’t hold a candle to her strength. Maybe that is what makes them jealous. Thanks for sharing, Carol!


  3. Hugs Carol. I am only a little ahead of you, and it does seem the ‘grief ambushes’ happen a little less often… they still happen though… but it’s more like you can plan for them and be alone if you want to be…. we’ll talk soon. Love to you.


  4. la Punisher says:

    Real nice pic’s…Have A Great New Day Carol…Hugz2u


  5. merle48 says:

    “The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears.” ~John Vance Cheney
    “Tearless grief bleeds inwardly.” ~Christian Nevell Bovee

    We’ll ride the “wave” with you if you allow us. A respite is probably what you need, however, only you will know when you’re ready for one. Remember the song, “If I Had a Million Dollars?” by Barenaked Ladies? Well, if I had a million dollars, I would by you an all inclusive get-away of your choice! Yeah, I’ve really thought of that….oh well, my sincere chimera for you will have to do…until I win the lottery! May you always find comfort from all of our words.


  6. Paul K says:

    Maybe Mandy was there to help you with the RUFF draft…….


  7. Niall McDade says:

    Luv U Caroll Todd! Get some rest luv! We’ll always be here for you. Hugs and kisses. ❤


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