March 13, 2013 – 5 months + 3 days from October 10th

Went to Challenge Day this morning but there weren’t enough kids there.  So will go again on Wednesday.  I think the lost hour of sleep has affected my house.  Both guys were in bed between 10 and 11 pm.  Now that’s early.  Also, getting up at 7 a.m. is early.  Especially when going to sleep at 3 a.m.  Hmmm…. maybe by the end of the week, I will be able to fall alseep at a normal time.

Heard from Michael Bell today.  He did an interview with a BC newspaper – The Huffington Post –

I truly don’t know what to write or how to write tonight.  I have lots of snowflake swirls.  I started doing some work things tonight and saw some emails that I had sent on October 8 and 9th.  Hard to remember what I was doing 5 months ago.    So my thoughts are with NPO’s, bright green bracelets for MH week, Challenge Day, my BBBB, meeting and talking with people about various things related to mental health and the list goes on.

My brain is tired again and it kinda still hurts.

I love discussions.  I love to talk to different people from around the world.  I am learning so much from the life experiences of others.   I always wonder where people find me.  And why they want to add me.  What do they want to know?  Do they really want to read what I write?  Or what I post?  Or is it just to say they have me as a ‘friend’ or a ‘contact’?   Wouldn’t it be great to do an online book of ‘Life’s Reflections’.  What would you change? How can you help?  What messages to our future generations?

Someone found another blog with Amanda’s name as the title.  On it were posts of her slideshow comments.  Now why (after 5 months) is someone making that now.  Isn’t Amanda old news yet for those that want to make up new sites and post her video comments. Utterly amazing and tiring to see.

Gotta go to bed.  I truly am tired.   Night.  Dream safe.  xoxo

About Carol Todd

Being the mother of Amanda Todd has lead me on this journey shortly after Amanda's death on October 10, 2012. Amanda's prolific You Tube video has been viewed over 33 million times. Through this video, there has been an increased awareness about cyberbullying, social media safety and mental health.
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16 Responses to March 13, 2013 – 5 months + 3 days from October 10th

  1. la Punisher says:

    The angels spoke with one voice of (Love, Compassion, kindness, tenderness,support) to hold Mary up as she watched her son die on a cross, Even so we as humans are speaking in one voice to hold you up, Give you support, show you love and compassion, Letting you know that the human specie is not all bad, I think that this was Amanda’s idea, To Love and Not hate, No ulterior motive just real honest caring


  2. Savetheworld says:

    I heard the story on the news. I was upset, appalled saddened, Later on near bedtime I watched her video. That video moved me !!! i could not stop crying, I could not sleep I was a mess. Her video would not leave my mind, especially one of the cards. I just want to be loved. that is all a teenager wants at that age and not by their parents but by their peers. The more i read the more appalled i was! I could not believe the cruelty!! mind boggling. who would do these things? what kind if people are out there? My sadness turned to anger and rage. I just wanted to help I wanted to do something to ease your pain. I was sorry I hadn’t seen her video earlier, in my mind i thought maybe we could have prevented this, if only we had all rallied around her etc. I would have supported her I would have done everything in my power to help you both!! I think we all feel this way.. If only I had spoken to her ..if only I had seen some of the mean posts I would have put those people in their place etc… I could not believe the things she had to endure. My heart broke and a piece of me died that night. I’ve been through a lot myself so it really hit home! I just wanted to reach out to you. I wanted to help. I wanted you to know that you are not alone that there are a lot of peopke who care about you and will support you! This could have happened to anyone’s child. I have always been the mom all teenagers go too. I’ve always taken in the strays. I always felt that it takes a village to raise a child and all of the worlds children need to be loved and protected. That’s what brought me here. Carol she lives on in our hearts and our mind and it is all thanks to you! You will forever be missed beautiful child ❤ Xoxoxo ❤


  3. Sue Hindle says:

    I am following your blog to show support for you.. and to remember Amanda. I like Hamsi said Amanda is a daughter of the world., I feel honored that you are sharing your personal blog with us . We may have the same employer and may know a few of the same people , but I keep what you say on here in my heart.. to respect your privacy, I also have no ulterior motive . I am someone who cares. hugs Carol


  4. Tristan says:

    I really love this one, as well as all the comments. I felt it was important for me to somehow contact or get connected with someone who was close to Amanda or that had knew her personally considering the grieving and the emotions i was going through at the time. I was so touched by what had happened to her and her story on such a personal level that i could Not function properly on my everyday schedule. I was devastated, lack of sleep, i could not keep focus on what i was doing ( at work), Just found it extremely hard to comprehend, and i couldn’t figure it out! I had no one to talk to about it (that would understand) It was literally on my mind 24/7. The best way i could compare or describe my feelings was just so emotionally raw and real just as if it were a family member of my own or someone that was very dear to me. I was initially quite confused by it all just because i didn’t understand why i felt so emotionally attached or why i was so affected. One of the bigger struggles i had in dealing with, was the fact that i had nobody i could take comfort in, grieve with, put my arms around (if you will) or share my emotions with or connect with someone who was feeling the same way i was, as the ones around me just didn’t understand. Everyone around me (in person) was talking about Amanda shortly after her passing which gave me a chance to let out some of my thoughts but i often found it difficult after a while just because some people were so opinionated that if i heard anything that i strongly disagreed with, i would immediately go on the defensive side But…. i had to be careful.There is a line there where i could only push it so far but i couldn’t cross and eventually had to let it be and let them respect their right to their opinions (even though i disagreed with them). These are people i see and deal with on a day to day basis , or work with or whom are close relation to me. So i struggled in trying to not make things weird when speaking to people i know, about Amanda’s story. It became a very touchy subject for me towards people i knew personally but i also must say that (the majority of the people around me) were and are very supportive and they do feel bad for what happened to Amanda. (just the odd few with the opinions that i dont really care for nor want to hear). So reaching out and making contact with you really did me the world of good, Just the fact that i could get it off my chest, share my feelings and express some of the things that i had gone through. Seeing the articles where you had been interviewed in and also seeing the first Vancouver Sun interview you had done really helped gravitate me towards you in a sense that i really understood and took to heart everything you were saying. I was just so touched by it all that i just wanted to keep up and follow up on how you were/are doing and coping. It made me extremely happy to know that i had made contact and formed a friendship connection with you (via internet). When i say things like ‘respect’ or ‘my heart, thoughts and prayers are with you’ or ‘thinking of you’ among other things ,,is because i truly mean them. Ive always been very sincere and honest with my feelings and always from the heart!


    • merle48 says:

      Tristan, with all the banter I write on here, I’ve never put my feelings into words the way you have…and you literally spoke for me today,,,when I read your words, I felt the tears run down my face because someone finally conveyed best (straightforward) what I could not…every word you wrote is me also. A beautiful mystery….


      • Tristan says:

        Thank you so much for your reply merle48, it truly does mean a lot and helps me to hear that. Makes me feel im not alone in the emotions ive been experiencing and going through in the past so many months. I usually can always relate to much of what you write also. Reading your replies makes me feel better too because im never sure if what i write is good or bad or if it comes out the way i mean for it too. I tend to over think and start second guessing when I write (this happens to be the third time i tried to write that comment and i still almost didn’t post it.) Im always nervous about what i post, if it sounds right or not. After re- reading my comments i tend to get that REM song in my head with the lyrics ” oh no i’ve said too much, have i said enough?” Im just happy to help put a few words out there for people and that some people can relate.


  5. Hamsi says:

    I read your posts because I want to feel close to Amanda. Someone wrote on one of the posts that Amanda is a daughter of the world and I think that says it exactly. She is every parent’s child. I am saddened by the fact that this lovely girl could not realize her potential, and also angered by the unfairness of it all.

    We have evolved into a community here. We look forward to your posts, but don’t feel obligated if the going is very tough on a particular day.


  6. merle48 says:

    La Punisher, The strangest things can give me tears for her, but I think alot of us have alot of empathy, and we just “absorb” much more than people who don’t have, or use it. It can be a blessing, or a burden…I like to focus on “blessing.”


  7. merle48 says:

    To Lisa, What you said is so true, thank you!


  8. merle48 says:

    In one of my earlier replies on this site, I spoke in short of how I found you (this site). Amanda’s story was very hard for me to accept…probably because I never read such detail as to the cruelty she received in stories of others, and to see this beautiful, vulnerable child in pictures, just tore me up as I have children also. I found it very hard to believe in such cruelty from others. To come to this site and see how you carry yourself in the face of such a tragedy, and adversity, has been a model for me to follow, to allow me to view strength from from a person who wouldn’t be expected to have any. I don’t know if I could do the same as you…I would more likely be curled into a fetal position on the floor for God knows how long! Because you share, (and I do believe that helps you heal) we from near and far, have come to “know you” in a somewhat personal way. When you said, “What do they want to know? Do they really want to read what I write? Or what I post? Or is it just to say they have me as a ‘friend’ or a ‘contact’? 1) I want to KNOW that you are okay, and finding a way to accept this, because when only getting news via the MSM, I only envisioned the way I would be, and that disturbed me more. 2) I am a “reader” so I am drawn to blogs in general, however, your writings attract me because I care how you are feeling and dealing with it all. Because your writing is so poignant, I am drawn into your world…That is what you get for good writes! I don’t talk about “YOU” to anyone, just Amanda’s cause, or the Bullying problem in general…it’s really very simple for me…I just care about you as a person, and the ”cause” and I find that I have something to offer, if only encouragement. I cannot really relate to FB pages for writing as I do, and I feel this is a beautiful, personal site to visit. My phone is ancient, so forget twitter! I cannot speak for others, but for me, there is no ulterior motive…I just care…plain and simple.


    • la Punisher says:

      To Merle48… I am with you on most everything, No ulterior motive and because of the nature of the tragedy, The right thing is just good honest caring about Carol, As for Amanda, When I do talk about her ( which I do alot of), I usually to this day get tears in the eyes, never fails


  9. Lisa says:

    I think a long needed vacation to somewhere warm where drinks are served with those cute unbrellas and there are no computers or media to disturb you is in order.


  10. Lisa says:

    I believe people gravitate to positive people. They want to be around people who make the world a better place. They want to feel the energy of someone like you. At this stage in my life I need people like you around me. You inspire me to be a better person. I try to live by example and have people look up to me too. If there were more people on earth like you this would be an amazing world. Keep up all the hard work Carol! You are making a difference.


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