One month + 2 weeks after October 10th (for Amanda)

One month + almost 2 weeks (November 20th, 2012)

One big sigh … I am now falling asleep earlier than I have been in the past 6 weeks. If you can call 1:30 a.m. early. It is to me but probably not to the rest of the world except for some friends out there who don’t really sleep like me. The ucky thing is this… cell phones start to buzz, ring, blip, vibrate really early in the morning as well as the landline. Like starting at 7 a.m. STOP … I can hear you all now. ‘Well turn the damn thing off.’ Now really, how many of you actually do that? Tell the truth. It is hard to be disconnected from the world. I think it might be because that is how we connect ourselves and to be disconnected is difficult. I wonder if that is how the kids of today feel? If you have kids, can you ask them and then post their response. Also post your response. I can’t wait to hear the answers. 

I still haven’t said my ‘HUGE THANK YOU’ to everyone on my Facebook and Twitter. It is coming. I am feeling a bit low energy and maybe some post traumatic sadness.

I love how my friends are still calling, texting, FB’ing and messaging me to see how I am. Many who have lost their loved ones say that as soon as the memorials end, everything drops off and takes a nose dive and that’s when the real big sadnesses come in. My friends are still checking to see how I am. I LOVE THEM SO MUCH!! Also, much love to Rob who has been my rock for the past 6 weeks (and more). LOVE YOU ALL!! (Don’t be afraid to visit …. but you still have to have that bottle of ‘stuff’ in your hand. LOL… xoxo”

Here I go again!!!

I want to write a HUGE THANK YOU shout out to everyone who helped make the Celebration happen last Saturday. I am trying to write this but am too tired. I think that my body is finally wearing out. I cannot finish or even start this thank you notes to everyone. So until tomorrow, adios. Love you …”

The Day of the Celebration – 2 hours to go. 
Well, I did venture down there to ‘see how it was going’. It was going. All the Snowflake elves and mini-elves were busy setting up and organizing. The Red Robinson Theatre looks beautiful. Sound checks have been completed. Tables have been set up. Flowers have arrived. The winter wonderland is being worked on (as that is what Amanda hoped for at her bday party each year – that it would snow. Princess, it’s a bit early this year.) After kleenexing me a couple of times, my friends sent me home. They even followed me by foot in case they had to drive me home. But I had to stop at the snowmaking machine. Then I went home. I am home now. Not tired. A bit wired. Lots sad. Very teary. But I will make it through because this is about Amanda (My Princess Snowflake). The theatre is absolutely gorgeous. Lights, Christmas decorations, snowflakes everywhere. If you can’t be there, try to watch it on the CBC website. I posted the website yesterday. I will share more later.”

 

One month + 2 weeks (November 21, 2012)

Before you look at the time and yell at me again about sleeping, it’s OK. I haven’t written anything with much content since Saturday night. I have lots to say but where do I start. I will start with my memory or there lack of. In case anyone is wondering, when the brain is too full, the memory becomes faulty. The only other time this happened was when I either was pregnant or had the kids. Yes, had to be more than just the first one. For right now, thank goodness I have my friends following me around and picking up my pieces. I mean literally, they have spend many days looking for my glasses, paperwork, even wine glasses (that had wine in it). I even misplaced some cheques and I really can’t find them. I know I walked into my house with them, and then …. So embarrassed but then on the other hand, my brain is too full. I have been zombified since Sunday night. Maybe that was a good thing. Alone time is my hardest time. All the times when Amanda was wanting things and doing what Princess girls do best, I am missing. The silence without her words is hard. Tonight I went to the mall with my friends to give me something to do. It was busy and crowded and I am not the best shopper in a normal time. Particular stores in the mall were hard to go into. It will be a process, one where it will take time. And also this. It has only been 6 weeks. At the mall tonight, I saw many people that I had last seen before the turmoil in life took over. It was nice to get hugs and positive words from the people I know and who know me. There were also those who didn’t know me but thought they did. I am sure that these people have seen me in some form of media in the past few weeks and it triggered a memory. It is when you get those looks and the feeling you are being stared at by someone who thinks they know you but not really. I was at the MAC store in the Bay tonight and the girl who helped me admired my snowflake pin. I gave her one of the pink bracelets with Amanda’s name and Stay Strong on it. She said thank you and put it on. It was only later that she saw the name on it. When she saw me again, she came up and gave me a hug and there were tears in her eyes. Another girl who worked at the MAC counter had cheered at the same gym as Amanda and talked to me about cheer. I wish I had had more bracelets with me. Then there was the server at Earl’s this afternoon. I had been at Earl’s a couple of weeks ago for a meeting and had left a snowflake on the table. We had the same server today and she had found the snowflake and attached it to something that was part of her work stuff. I gave her a pink bracelet too and she was happy to wear it. It’s those things that make me smile because the bracelet is a reminder that we (as Amanda’s family and friends) are here to make a difference where we live and beyond. Please help to spread the message. The bracelets are a start. Our words also help. Gotta go to bed…. Love to you all xoxo

 


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About Carol Todd

Being the mother of Amanda Todd has lead me on this journey shortly after Amanda's death on October 10, 2012. Amanda's prolific You Tube video has been viewed over 33 million times. Through this video, there has been an increased awareness about cyberbullying, social media safety and mental health. www.amandatoddlegacy.org
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One Response to One month + 2 weeks after October 10th (for Amanda)

  1. merle48 says:

    “Something” got you through those excruciating first 6 weeks, and looking back, I think you KNOW what that is…hint (Angels are all around us, all the time, in the very air we breathe. ~Quoted in The Angels’ Little Instruction Book by Eileen Elias Freeman, 1994) Your daughter is forever by your side.

    Like

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