March 21st – Tough day in Amanda’s room

Before you read further, check out this article –  (I have also connected with this mom in Maryland)


Since October 10, 2012, I can count the number of times I  have gone into Amanda’s room.  Probably five.  Three of the times was for reasons.  One of the times, I just went in to see what it would be like. I left right away.  Some kind of premonition made a new virtual friend from Alberta (who is now a real friend) call me on the phone to say hi and see how I am.  She calmed my tears and made me feel better.  Since then, we have talked back and forth about life, our daughters, dreams, jobs, etc.  All good.  Today I went into Amanda’s room for the fifth time.  Just to see what it would be like.  Hmm…. wasn’t the greatest feeling.  I did stay manage to stay in there for about 45 seconds before the tears and thoughts started streaming through my head.

I hate writing sad and depressing posts on my blog. BUT … it’s the place that I go to let it out. I do talk but as I shared with someone today, sometimes I am all talked out.

So I cried my tears and felt emotional all day.  My BBBB has a man cold.  I think it is soon turning into a Carol cold.  I have done the vitamins, Vitamin C, hot tea and lemon, etc.  Trying to stay away from the people colds.  (That was something about Amanda, she never really got sick.)

I have to share the story about Matthew Tod and his mom Michelle.  So weird how it comes to be that the mom shares that name with Amanda and when told her that Amanda’s middle name was Michelle …  Plus Matthew’s cousin is named Amanda.  We are connected somehow.

Do you remember the Oliver story?  The little boy who instead of bday presents wanted money so he could buy his whole school Stop Bullying bracelets.  I met his teacher today.  She was great to talk to and had lots of ideas.  In my mind, a teacher who is an idea generator.  So randomly we meet, and we find out we share a mutual friend.  It’s those kinds of stories that tell me that things are meant to be.

I saw a post on my Facebook wall tonight.  It was written by the son of the wonderful person who has taken Amanda’s clothes to make the memory quilt.  She is also from a city where my BBBB was born and grew up.  Funny enough, she bumped into some ‘grown men’ while shopping today that my BBBB knew when he was growing up.  So picking up the quilt will be even more special.

Here is what was written by the 15 year old … (it is priceless, like the Mastercard ads)

 My 15 yr. old son wrote this for his English class…….

on Thursday, April 7, 2011 at 5:33pm

We all need to learn a little about respect.

It’s inside all of us, even the people you least expect.

We need to fight back to retract the act of verbal attack.

No one needs to be put down, made to feel like crap.

Hate surrounds us everywhere we go.

It takes strong will to not let it show.

But if everyone was a little more compassionate.

Then the world we live in could just forget about it.

I’m trying to make it sound easy, I try to  inspire.

To try out respect, cus it’s something that everyone should desire.

It may sound a little bit crazy, trust me, I know.

I also know you’ll feel guilty if I ask you to be peaceful and you say no.

I’ve been there, said stuff to put someone down.

What for? Just to see the small glimpse of a frown?

It’s not worth it to make someone feel sad.

In the end, you’re gonna be the one who feels bad.


It’s as easy as doing you’re ABC’s.

It’s only hard if you make it that way.

Now listen closely, listen to what I gotta say.

If we forget clique’s and everybody just act in a kind way.

If we take the time to listen to what others have to say.

We can make a change,  for life as we know it today.

When happiness surrounds you, it’ll keep the hate at bay.

And for some people, a simple smile will be enough to make their day.

You got the power of respect in you, so what do you say?

About Carol Todd

Being the mother of Amanda Todd has lead me on this journey shortly after Amanda's death on October 10, 2012. Amanda's prolific You Tube video has been viewed over 33 million times. Through this video, there has been an increased awareness about cyberbullying, social media safety and mental health.
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11 Responses to March 21st – Tough day in Amanda’s room

  1. Jawink says:

    I agree with the many wonderful things already said above. We are here for you ((Hugs)) ❤


  2. merle48 says:

    Savetheworld, So perfectly said, and what you conveyed, goes for me too… you possess a wonderful spirit!


  3. Savetheworld says:

    Carol, I look at Amanda’s picture and It saddens me, i miss her and I didn’t even have the pleasure of meeting her or getting to know her. It must be really difficult for you, I think about you all the time. 😦 what you have to akways keep in mind and focus on is the positive that has come out of this horrible otdeal. Look at the impact you have both had on the world; her story more than anyone else’s. We are all here reading your blog and listening to the wonderful stories because like you, we want her to never be forgotten!! We want to keep her spirit alive. She is with us in spirit . She is around you dont forget it. You are a remarkable woman never forget this! Your work is so very important ! Sending you healing energy and love. My thoughts are with you. ❤


  4. Hamsi says:

    “And for some people, a simple smile will be enough to make their day”….so profoundly true. And yet, not practiced often enough.

    As Amanda would say, “Stay strong”.


  5. Glad to see that bill moving forward here in Maryland. What you’re going through Carol is something no one should go through, yet It saddens me to read and find more and more parents going through the same thing. I can only imagine how it feels, but I wont know how it truly feels. I wish I could find the words to say something but I can’t. I hope that one day It gets easier for you… HUGZ


  6. namedallas says:

    Sorry Carol I wish I had the power to breath life into dreams again .


  7. merle48 says:

    Your tears are for all the times you’re “talked out.” Your friends-virtual and tangible, are here to lift you up when you are down…it’s that simple. That poem is well-written, and true to heart. He sounds like he has a good head on his shoulders. I still cannot get it around my head how you do it Carol, I don’t know I could, as I have said, however, you find strength, and I suspect some days it feels lost…yet it always returns because you loved Amanda so much…and that love quite frankly, is your motivation in all you do.
    “Mother love is the fuel that enables a normal human being to do the impossible.” ~Marion C. Garretty, quoted in A Little Spoonful of Chicken Soup for the Mother’s Soul


    • Tristan says:

      Ok merle 48, la Punisher,, it is now that you are the ones pulling out the ‘word’s’ for me. Youve all spoken for me on this one. I just couldnt imagine the impact of emotions you must go through when opening the door and stepping into her room. This is something that will for sure take some time. Over time i imagine you will be able to go in for longer periods of time but i dont know if it will ever get ‘easier’ although im hopeful it does. Even years down the road it will always be her room. The poem by the boy is wonderful and well written. Absolutely wonderful seeing that


      • Tristan says:

        Just reading that article over again, “looking good!” the ball is rolling and continuing to grow and picking up speed. Even if it is only one step at a time, changes are being implemented, and differences are being made. Also when you were saying about writing sad and depressing post’s, i think its because you need to, and get that out of your system. When reading these types of posts , just makes us wish we could be there to give you that ‘real’ hug instead of just a virtual one. My heart aches hearing about Amanda’s room,, im hoping today is a sunny day for you and many more. *Hugs*


  8. la Punisher says:

    That is an excellent poem..Kudos to the lad…My heart aches Carol when you have to do those kind of things, How hard it must be, But I also realize that doing it also makes one strong
    Have a wonderful day Carol Hug2u 🙂


  9. Tom Mark @TomMark980 says:

    I read your posts every moring and see how late you still stay up. don’t know how you manage, but thank you for keeping the issues of bullying and depression alive,


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