March 24 @ 12:34 a.m. Too many tears to shed ….

(As I re-read the titles of my last few blogs, I really don’t mean to be so morose or sad.  I write these blogs to get out my feelings that I can’t otherwise do out loud to anyone.  I usually shed my tears on my own.  But writing helps me get some of it out too.)

Do or will the emotional tears ever run out?  I just hate it when I am driving and she pops into my head.  I seem to be writing sad and morbid posts lately.  The sunnier it gets, the sadder it gets.  Maybe because it reminds me more of her.  I don’t know.  I have talked it over with my therapist.  Seems like the more I talk, the more emotions pour out.  Some say that is normal.  I get so tired of crying.

I am going to keep this short tonight.  I just want to play mindless games on my phone.

As mentioned before, I don’t really believe in the spiritual world.  But I have mentioned the snowflake candle moving.  The snow falling the other day when I was at counselling and we were talking about Amanda.  The song on the radio that I hear literally every time I am in the car by Swedish Mafia.  Today there was another one.  Since October 10th, I have had house cleaners in on a semi-regular basis to clean my whole house.  When Amanda took her anti-depressants, she would have to split the capsules and put the contents in juice.  She couldn’t swallow pills.  Today when I was in my kitchen, I found a half of a capsule on the floor.  Just lying there.  Where it shouldn’t have been.  I showed Rob tonight.  He just stared at it.   We don’t know where it came from.  Was it another sign from Amanda?  (like the snow)

I found the Mother’s Day card she gave to me last year.  She had quietly left it on my dresser.  After reading it this morning (she wrote me a letter in it), it made me sadder than usual.  I will share it when Mother’s Day comes around in May.  It was the kind of letter/card that all mothers would want to receive.  My Princess Snowflake had a way with her words.  I can see how she wore her heart on her sleeve and that’s why she was so fragile and easily hurt.

Garden time … some secret elves are planning a snowball/snowdrop garden party.  I have a friend/former teaching colleague who has snowdrops in her garden and is going to give me some bulbs.  Love it.  Now I just have to go get them.

I think I am back at that overwhelmed state of mind.  Argg… hate that.  Peace… breathe. .. calm… breathe … sigh.  Someone today sent me this picture of a white flower.  To me it was peaceful.  It reminded me of Amanda.  Sleep well tonight Amanda.  I miss you more than you can imagine.

Hugz to all xoxo

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About Carol Todd

Being the mother of Amanda Todd has lead me on this journey shortly after Amanda's death on October 10, 2012. Amanda's prolific You Tube video has been viewed over 33 million times. Through this video, there has been an increased awareness about cyberbullying, social media safety and mental health. www.amandatoddlegacy.org
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11 Responses to March 24 @ 12:34 a.m. Too many tears to shed ….

  1. la Punisher says:

    To namedallas: By me… no offense taken, We do what we have to do to get thro’, I wish for you only “good daz ahead, Stay Strong and smile 🙂

    Like

  2. namedallas says:

    Hey guy ! I’m getting off these sights,I’m strugleing with to many things right now and I don’t think this is doing me any good.Realy sorry guys I hope nobody take this the wrong way .

    Like

  3. Will Burke says:

    I’m not spiritual either Carol,But I do believe everything happens for a reason.The reason u see or think about Amanda is cuz she is sending signs to u letting u know that u are doing a awesome job continuing what she had started.Everyone has a Guardian Angel and Amanda is yours,with her strength u have found the courage to carry on.

    Hugs to u Carol

    Like

  4. Derek says:

    Everyday is a challenge but for you it’s different from what were going through you have lost a huge part of your life.
    Tears will come and go it’s only been five months and nearing six and all this is still new to you so you have every right to feel all these emotions.
    Don’t fight your emotions and don’t hold back tears and maybe you should try to open up yourself spiritually it may help calm you.
    It’s not uncommon for messages being sent to you by someone you dearly love whose no longer with us especially your own daughter and Amanda in her own unique way is trying to talk to you.
    Just think as it when she was a baby learning how to speak you probably couldn’t understand her words but you would know what she wanted by her motions and actions.
    Your doing a fantastic job Carol your a great mother and guarantee right now Amanda is proud of you and telling all her new friends in heavens above that’s my mom helping to continue my legacy and telling them she’s the best mom.

    Hugs to you Carol Stay Strong

    Like

    • Tristan says:

      Derek, your comment is perfect! Well written and just love the comparison you made of her when she was a baby. Some really good words in this one!

      Like

    • merle48 says:

      To Tristan, Thank you for your kind words. Sometimes I’m also afraid to post certain things…I never want to offend anyone, only to be of comfort. You sound like a really good person, you should be proud of who you are!

      Like

  5. merle48 says:

    It’s strange how yesterday I felt more sadness than usual when I thought of you and Amanda…I sometimes believe that people who are so in tune to you, actually absorb your feelings. You are granted the gift of “memory”, and without them, how could you care about anything but the present moment? Without memories you would not be able to sort out the questions and answers that follow. You may say you don’t believe in the spiritual world, but as I’ve said…just believe in Amanda’s spirit, and you will notice it everywhere…because whether you believe or not, it IS there…I am 100% sure of this! Every item you accidently or intentionally find connected to Amanda, can soothe you or bring tears which will cleanse your soul. Don’t fight them, allow all your emotions whether pleasant or dreadful to be released. I’m a firm believer in going out into an open field and screaming (whatever I need to scream) at the top of my lungs. You’d be surprised at the release it brings! I don’t know if you’re religious, but even if you’re not, this poem is beautiful and applies to all of us who try to lift you up when you’re down.

    “Footprints”
    One night I dreamed a dream.
    As I was walking along the beach with my Lord.
    Across the dark sky flashed scenes from my life.
    For each scene, I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand,
    One belonging to me and one to my Lord.

    After the last scene of my life flashed before me,
    I looked back at the footprints in the sand.
    I noticed that at many times along the path of my life,
    especially at the very lowest and saddest times,
    there was only one set of footprints.

    This really troubled me, so I asked the Lord about it.
    “Lord, you said once I decided to follow you,
    You’d walk with me all the way.
    But I noticed that during the saddest and most troublesome times of my life,
    there was only one set of footprints.
    I don’t understand why, when I needed You the most, You would leave me.”

    He whispered, “My precious child, I love you and will never leave you
    Never, ever, during your trials and testings.
    When you saw only one set of footprints,
    It was then that I carried you.”

    Like

    • Tristan says:

      merle48 i know i comment on your posts somewhat often and i hope you don’t mind. I really do love reading what you have to say in response to Carol’s wonderful blogs as i find your writings just as beautiful as well. I believe Carol’s thoughts and words and everything else that she shares with us , touches and reaches our hearts , just the same way Amanda has done so along with her story and legacy. (A beautiful mystery!) I think that might be part reason why we feel so emotionally connected to what Carol writes and shares with us. Another reason why i really wanted to comment on your post, is because i wanted to thank you for posting that poem. I am very familiar with that poem as i have had it around me throughout my childhood years and growing up. I can admit, im not as religious these days as i was growing up but my mother was very religious and she always had that poem around. (In songs she would listen to, on plaques on the wall, printed out on fancy looking collectors plates) basically everywhere around the house. So when I see that poem i feel connected to it in ways (just so familiar with it) and it serves to me as a reminder of my childhood days and also memory of my mother. I had thought of sending it to Carol in the past, but for whatever reasons, i never did , and ‘chickened out’! I’m happy to see it posted here now. Thank you 🙂
      I know that Mother’s Day card must be something really special , a precious treasure to forever hang on too which could never be replaced. We hear that Swedish Mafia song on our station quite often as well, it makes me think of Amanda instantly just as much as Wonder Woman does. That is amazingly strange about the capsule on the floor ,, “wow” !! and yes , i do believe it is another sign from PS just having a little fun. I remember in an earlier comment maybe from me or somebody else about you probably going to see more of these coincidences, this is a fine example. As time goes on you probably will be seeing more of it too. Hopefully you might share them with us as they are very interesting to read about.

      Like

  6. la Punisher says:

    It’s hard to read something that’s sad and not feel the emotional pain all over again
    I think that the tears are in everyone’s eyes, even to this day ( I know they are in mine )
    and if a hard core person like me breaks down and gets wet eyes to this day, I can’t even for one moment imagine how powerful your emotional grief must be, And that breaks my heart all over again
    You asked = Do or will the emotional tears ever run out? I think the answer to that is…
    Do you really want them to???
    You are getting stronger everyday and that’s a blessing and we are all here to help hold you up
    So let the tears fall and we will all heal together

    Have a wonderful day, Carol and Hugz 2U 🙂

    Like

  7. Hamsi says:

    Yes, Carol, we want to share your sorrows as well as your fond remembrances. Amanda was “fragile and easily hurt”. I can see that she was a sensitive child but people also gave her a lot of cause for hurt…..and she was strong in spite of it. Everyone who has been touched by her story is proud of her.

    Like

  8. Niall McDade says:

    By all means Carol, pour your soul out to your virtual friends here, especially if it feels like it’s helping you. I’m more than willing to listen to your every word. Your thoughts, no matter how sad you feel they are, help me to cope as well. I never met Amanda, but I genuinely feel like I’ve lost someone close to me and your stories are helping me to deal with the sense of grief that I feel for you and your family. I’d feel sadder if you didn’t share with us, what you’re going through. Please don’t apologize for posting sad stories and let us help you by listening to you, in this journey of recovery.

    Your friend always,
    xoxo

    Like

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