(As I re-read the titles of my last few blogs, I really don’t mean to be so morose or sad. I write these blogs to get out my feelings that I can’t otherwise do out loud to anyone. I usually shed my tears on my own. But writing helps me get some of it out too.)
Do or will the emotional tears ever run out? I just hate it when I am driving and she pops into my head. I seem to be writing sad and morbid posts lately. The sunnier it gets, the sadder it gets. Maybe because it reminds me more of her. I don’t know. I have talked it over with my therapist. Seems like the more I talk, the more emotions pour out. Some say that is normal. I get so tired of crying.
I am going to keep this short tonight. I just want to play mindless games on my phone.
As mentioned before, I don’t really believe in the spiritual world. But I have mentioned the snowflake candle moving. The snow falling the other day when I was at counselling and we were talking about Amanda. The song on the radio that I hear literally every time I am in the car by Swedish Mafia. Today there was another one. Since October 10th, I have had house cleaners in on a semi-regular basis to clean my whole house. When Amanda took her anti-depressants, she would have to split the capsules and put the contents in juice. She couldn’t swallow pills. Today when I was in my kitchen, I found a half of a capsule on the floor. Just lying there. Where it shouldn’t have been. I showed Rob tonight. He just stared at it. We don’t know where it came from. Was it another sign from Amanda? (like the snow)
I found the Mother’s Day card she gave to me last year. She had quietly left it on my dresser. After reading it this morning (she wrote me a letter in it), it made me sadder than usual. I will share it when Mother’s Day comes around in May. It was the kind of letter/card that all mothers would want to receive. My Princess Snowflake had a way with her words. I can see how she wore her heart on her sleeve and that’s why she was so fragile and easily hurt.
Garden time … some secret elves are planning a snowball/snowdrop garden party. I have a friend/former teaching colleague who has snowdrops in her garden and is going to give me some bulbs. Love it. Now I just have to go get them.
I think I am back at that overwhelmed state of mind. Argg… hate that. Peace… breathe. .. calm… breathe … sigh. Someone today sent me this picture of a white flower. To me it was peaceful. It reminded me of Amanda. Sleep well tonight Amanda. I miss you more than you can imagine.
Hugz to all xoxo