April 8th – 2 days until 6 months without Amanda …

I cannot believe that 6 months has gone by.  On some days, it feels like a long time ago life changed and then sometimes, it feels like yesterday.  I wish it was just a never!!  I talk to my therapist and we talk through my thoughts, ideas and feelings.  I brought with me last session a letter that Amanda had written me in October 2011 and a mother’s day card that she wrote to me last May.  Both are sad and yet so truthful.  In both she wrote that she would never leave me.  That she loved me so.  I had to show my therapist what makes me so angry about her death.  That the dark cloud so covered her that she wasn’t able to see any brights.  I wish I could show you her letter but if I did, the ‘horrible people’ out there would just rip it apart like they usually do in their sad lives.

I had a great bday week.  So many nice cards, thoughts, wishes and gifts.  I got taken out for lunches and dinners.  I love my friends, family and virtual friends.  Thank you Markus for remembering me and sending me yet another crystal snowflake from Austria.  I have included the link so you can see it spin.  How ironic the snowflake was the Swarovski Christmas Ornament for 2012.  Here is the link.  Click it and watch it spin so beautifully.  http://www.swarovski.com/Web_US/en/1125019/product/Christmas_Ornament,_Annual_Edition_2012.html   I have so many beautiful snowflakes now.  And of course, I have had a crystal collection for years and Amanda would help me clean the ornaments yearly.  Once we lost the tusk off the elephant and the wings off the swan.  I think the elephant went back to the jeweller and the swan was crazy glued.  The snowflake ornament is no longer available.  Was 2012 the year of the snowflake for some reason???

Screen Shot 2013-04-08 at 2.30.43 AM

I have spent the evening frustratedly (is that a word), looking up flights for Vegas.  I want and plan to go in late June for some fun, some extreme heat (way too hot down there at that time of year) and a conference – Girls and Bullying.  I think it’s personal interest that I want to go and as well, I have so many people that I talk to.  As said before, I’m not an expert but I won’t give up any chances for further learning.  If we all stopped that part of our brain from working, I am not sure what would happen in the world.

I am preparing for my meeting with the NDP person who is the present Health Critic.  Just like last week, there is so much to talk about but it has to be narrowed down.  I have received so many words and thoughts from parents and youth that I know who have gone through or are going through the system.  I feel for each and every one of them.

I saw this posted somewhere and it made me sad because the note reminded me of Amanda’s words and notes to me … This shouldn’t be happening.  I was talking with someone last week and as with many tragic stories of death, kids forget the reasons.  I think that stories like Amanda’s, and Danielle’s and Grace’s shouldn’t be forgotten.  They need to be talked about so that we can learn from them.  So that the kids that are saying the things that they don’t realize hurt so much remember why they shouldn’t be be saying those things. We need to work on restorative practices to make the world a better place for our kids now and the ones who aren’t born yet.

I need to get off my soapbox now and go play some Candy Crush before bed!!

2 days until April 10th. (Happy early birthday Michael Bell!!)  Please remember to light your candles in memory of Amanda.  

P.S.  I found two coins on the ground when I was out for yet another bday lunch today.  What did I do … flipped the coins of course and made a wish (or two).

Hugz… xoxo

Momma Bear

This is so sad!

A girl from Indiana was bullied so relentlessly by her peers that she
eventually ended up taking her own life.
The girl’s mother Danielle Green read her letter to the Senate Education
Committee where she hoped Congress would pass a bill that made harsher rules
about bullying.
Green’s daughter Angel wrote a letter specifically for her bullies.

Here’s what she wrote:

“To all the bullies that have called me names, [you] are the reason why I am
feeling the way I am now. I didn’t want to die. I just wanted to be saved
from the pain.”

In a separate letter to her mother, Angel wrote:

“I’m really sorry that I did this … don’t you EVER think it was your
fault. Because it’s not. I love you so much and I couldn’t ask for a better
mom … but my heart can’t take this pain. It’s bullying that killed me.
Please get justice.”


That is just. Heart wrenching. Our deepest condolences to her mother.
Angel killed herself on March 5th, from a rope on a tree. The tree was
passed by her school bus every day, and her body was seen by all of her

Here’s what the mother said:

“She did this before the bus was going to be there. so her bullies would see

We sincerely hope something is done to battle bullying.

A little girl was lost way too early because of its devastating effects.


About Carol Todd

Being the mother of Amanda Todd has lead me on this journey shortly after Amanda's death on October 10, 2012. Amanda's prolific You Tube video has been viewed over 33 million times. Through this video, there has been an increased awareness about cyberbullying, social media safety and mental health. www.amandatoddlegacy.org
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14 Responses to April 8th – 2 days until 6 months without Amanda …

  1. Savetheworld says:

    How fitting that her name was Angel. This is so sad, its so upsetting it makes me ill just thinking about it. 😦 I hope this child’s words help ease your pain Carol. Xoxo ❤ Amanda adored you, she had no intention of leaving you im sure!! Something happened that day on the computer she must have seen or read something that pushed her over the edge. She couldnt take the pain. The pain that comes with depression and anxiety is very real. Depression is not something that is "in your head" like they used to think in the old days. Depression is real! its a chemical imbalance in the brain. Having to deal with constant badgering bullying etc will wear out a person out and it messes up the neurotransmitters in the brain. I compare the stress of having to endure bullying to having to hold a cup of water with your hand out stretched, you could do it for five minutes, hours, but day in day out no way!! It makes me me irate to think that kids\people are getting away with these horrible things. What is wrong with these people? Every single person who bullied Ananda is 100% responsible for your huge and tremendous loss. 😦 the world lost a special and precious child. We all mourn with you. Yes Carol it was the year of the snowflake funny coincidence? maybe not. Thank you for all your hard work! Yes we all have a responsibility to all the children out there in the world and yes even to the unborn children of the world. You are so right about that! i feel awful for this generation of chikdren. We need to make this a better safer place. Xoxo ❤ sending you lots of love.


  2. Tristan says:

    It is hard to believe that it has been 6 months already but at the same time it still feels and seems all so new. It hit me earlier of the irony that i realized that this 10th day of the month also falls on a Wednesday as it did in October. These days im feeling more like myself again and getting around to doing my ‘normal’ day to day things but i can honestly say that these past six months have been unlike any six months that Ive ever experienced before. This has sure opened up my eye’s in many different ways. @ Markus- that was very thoughtful of you to do and very kind indeed. I think it might of been the year of the snowflake, as irony has it, we had our Christmas tree completely decked out with snowflakes from the ribbons to the lights as well as the ornaments and the topper itself, and it was all by pure coincidence. We only put up our tree once every couple of years because we end up spending the holidays traveling and in different places. This past Christmas i was extremely surprised when taking out the tree decorations and realizing that pretty well everything for the tree was snowflakes.( we had bought all the ornaments and lights ect. a few years ago ‘after a Christmas” because it was all on special). So after learning about Amanda and about the snowflakes, i was completely stunned when going through the decorations which i had completely forgotten about. (I have pics somewhere on FB).

    Earlier today i had first read this blog and i have had the story of Angel stuck in my head through out the entire day. I have been telling people the story and noticing the very hardened ‘sudden shock’ in peoples expressions after telling them the ending of the story. Its a story like this that hits me like when first learning of Amanda’s story ,,, that ‘chocking up and fighting to hold back from busting into tears as you read it’. The letter to her mom and to the bullies is really something that shakes a person up. And then the explanation of what happened and then the part of ‘what her mother had said’ that part really struck a nerve with me. If they can make drugs and alcohol extremely prohibited on school grounds to the point of immediate dismissal, then why can’t they do the exact same thing with bullying behaviors. A ZERO tolerance policy needs to be put in place and needs to be taken extremely seriously.


  3. GregSticker says:

    After reading this i realize now that others are hurting too. Yeah I am guilty of wanting my friends and family to know about my issues and situations. I may never see you in real time Ms. Carol in this life but somehow you have touched me none the less. I will never go through what you have. I am not a parent. I cannot possibly feel the loss of a child. But my heart still breaks when i read your messages. Then as soon as i push away my tears, I smile.I go with the inspiration to keep on keeping on. That’s as plain as I can put it. I pray and think about you and your daughter all the time. I hope this makes sense. I know what i’m desparately trying to say….


    • namedallas says:

      Hey Greg
      You don’t know the pain of loseing a child,but the pain of never having any give you a good understanding of the what it feels like.Carol opening up her life certenly dose touch other lives and it gives people like me and you more of a sence of what we missed out on .I understand that what makes it so hard to read sometimes.


  4. namedallas says:

    Hi Carol and everyone
    Even with out reading Amanda’s letters I do still understand a lot about her.I know that she pushed to go on for all of her family and friends when she for so long felt she could not do it for herself any more.It takes a very stong person to try to put a smile on thier face(and in so many of her pictures you could see how broken she was and yet always tryed her very best to put a smile on her face.) and keep going because you don’t want to hurt those around you.Bareing life with out dreams is like trying to survive with out food.It’s impossable.Dreams are essential for life we can’t surevive with out them.That is what makes it so important that a persons dreams don’t get crushed in the first place,dreams are the life force that gives us the will to live.With out the will to live you slowly die from the inside out.A person must either be able to repair there old dreams or find new one’s to go on. Amanda’s dreams were not only essential for survival,but were also a part of everything she was,her personality,her talents,and her passion for other poeple. Poeple were to hard on her and she was to hard on herself she just needed a dream,at least one dream left.I hope that everyone will eventaily learn the importants of dreams and how great of a world we could live in if we all helped each other to achieve them. Hope everyone is doing well,take care!


  5. la Punisher says:

    To Hamsi: You are Oh so right, You hit it on the head.. Good choice of words


  6. Hamsi says:

    ” I wish I could show you her letter but if I did, the ‘horrible people’ out there would just rip it apart like they usually do in their sad lives”…I can’t believe a mother would have to step back from sharing her pain because of the fear of mailcious retribution. These indeed are trying times we live in.

    My utmost sympathies to Angel’s family. Just bears out my point about something being horribly wrong in today’s world. I sure don’t want to live in the past but I must say people’s ugly natures were vastly hidden before it became so easy to reveal one’s ugliness.


  7. la Punisher says:

    That is so thoughtful of you to flip those coins in memory of that precious child, I also do the same thing
    Have a real great day Carol…Hugz 2 u


  8. merle48 says:

    So sad about Angel, which makes for stronger motivation to understand the why’s and try to end this cruelty to God’s most vulnerable. Your daughter’s spirit is truly your strength…I see it so clearly every time you write. ay you continue to inspire and be inspired!


  9. Markus says:

    Awww. You’re welcome. It would not have been necessary to mention me here. Thank you.
    Even if it just made you smile for a second it was worth it.

    For me it looks like they alternate between snowflakes and Christmas stars.
    If you use a google picture search for ‘Swarovski Christmas ornament 2011’ you get pictures of a star while the result of ‘Swarovski Christmas ornament 2010’ looks like a snowflake again.

    And now to the sad part.
    My deepest sympathy to the family of Angel.
    May she find peace now.


  10. I can’t believe its been half a year either time really does fly… I might be in Vegas sometime this summer to visit a cousin and then make a camping trip out to Yosemite park in CA with him if I can get something planed. Have a great week and take care Momma Bear, Hugz


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