Well PS, it’s been 6 months. I sometimes look at it as long months and sometimes as short months, depending on which way it is looked at. It feels like yesterday since you were gone (that would be short) but it feels like forever since I’ve been able to cuddle with you and tell you that ‘I love you’ face to face. Knowing and realizing that I can’t anymore has been so utterly difficult for me. The first two months passed like a blur and then it was Christmas which took pieces of my mind away from the truths and realities. Well, those realities did sink in and have been sinking in deeper and closer to my heart, brain and soul for the past month. I have been writing on this blog as much as I can. I post articles on social media to help educate others and give out information. I have had meetings with numerous people to talk about anti-bullying and mental health. Just today I met with someone to talk about the state of youth mental health in our province. It’s because of what you said and did on your You Tube video that has woken up the world. I must say though that some of the world has fallen back asleep. Not that you have been forgotten but the old habits of behaviour continue to exist. Another senseless death has happened in Nova Scotia and eerily, it is so similar to yours. Even the words that the girl said to her mother and the descriptions that the mother gave about her daughter. “Mom, although I often feel like killing myself…I could never do that to you because you would be devastated.” “She acted on an impulse but I truly in my heart of heart do not feel she meant to kill herself.” and there are so many more similar words and thoughts. When I read the FB post, I felt like I was reading my own writing, for which I have done lots of in the past 6 months.
Has it really been that long. I have picked up so many new friends Amanda. They all care about you. And they care about me. When I am up late because I can’t sleep or I am working on something related to your legacy, they message me and tell me to go to bed. They bring and send me gifts. They offer to help me with your legacy with we have initialized as ATL(F). Believe me, you are global. I have never seen so many different postmarks and I have learned about postage rates.
I still wonder Why? What if? What about? I don’t think those questions will ever leave me. It is so easy for many to say that time will heal. Does it ever? I’m not so sure. When I think I am doing okay, I crash. Sometimes the world comes crashing down with everything that is coming at me. I ask myself, is this normal. Will it stop? I truly think that in order to make a difference in this world with the things the things you went through, we have to continue to fight our battle and send our message loudly to all those that need to listen. It won’t happen overnight, or in a few days or even months. It will take years. I only hope that those who rally behind you (and me) form an US and will be there for as long as they can.
Your friends are still there. I have found many new friends who were actually old friends a zillion years ago. There is a saying that we are all bound together by 6 degrees of separation. That is so right. My biggest problem is trying to stay connected with so many people. I love all the ones that I meet but I can’t keep up with the constant ‘hellos’. I only hope that they will send me ‘hellos’ first.
I have almost finished up the sayings for what will go on the bench at the park where I can sit, where your friends can sit, where dogs and birds can sit and watch those silly ducks that live at the pond year after year. Do you remember the goose that sits on the island? Well, she is back there probably sitting on her goose eggs. Oh, and your bench will be in the spot that you started to ride down the hill and then landed in the pond. Do you remember that afternoon? You were dripping wet and wailing from anger and duck pond water. But you made it home with the support of friends to get cleaned up. Oh, and the water trailed everywhere in the house. Uggg…. (duck pond water).
I cannot believe the attention that your name still generates PS. Tonight I was at an event where there was a cheque presentation for the ATL. When Colin Sprake asked people in his seminar if they knew who you were, half the room raised their hands. I think that after I talked about you for a few minutes, all those people knew who you were and won’t forget. Colin and Sarah K donated an awesome amt of $$ to the ATL. There is another Bike Rally that has been planned for June 9th. Sophia and her sister are planning it. So nice to see. Can you please make it not rain for that day?
So I do get real tired of crying. Every day I wake up and repeat to myself like Thomas ‘I think I won’t, I think I won’t’ but it doesn’t seem to work. CBC News was here to today to do a short interview. Yep, I cried. Then when friends watched it, they cried. How to get shares in Kleenex brand???
You should see your garden. Pretty nice with a Summer Snowflake tree. Pretty colour flowers. Peaceful words in the garden. And I am getting a plaque made too.
Time to try to sleep and play a bit of Candy Crush. I am only on Level 23 and struggling. Other people I know are on Level 1??. Oh my … looking back in older blog writings, tomorrow will be the letter that I wrote for you on your 16th birthday. That was the hardest piece I have ever ever written. As I said before, I will be pained forever with the loss of you.
We all make sure to light candles on the 10th of each month for you. I light one more often. Your memories are so everpresent!!
Love and wishful hugs from mom to my PS xoxo