April 10th – Pssst Amanda …yoohoo…..6 long months!!!

Dear Amanda

Well PS, it’s been 6 months.  I sometimes look at it as long months and sometimes as short months, depending on which way it is looked at.  It feels like yesterday since you were gone (that would be short) but it feels like forever since I’ve been able to cuddle with you and tell you that ‘I love you’ face to face.  Knowing and realizing that I can’t anymore has been so utterly difficult for me.  The first two months passed like a blur and then it was Christmas which took pieces of my mind away from the truths and realities.  Well, those realities did sink in and have been sinking in deeper and closer to my heart, brain and soul for the past month.  I have been writing on this blog as much as I can.  I post articles on social media to help educate others and give out information.  I have had meetings with numerous people to talk about anti-bullying and mental health.  Just today I met with someone to talk about the state of youth mental health in our province.  It’s because of what you said and did on your You Tube video that has woken up the world.  I must say though that some of the world has fallen back asleep.  Not that you have been forgotten but the old habits of behaviour continue to exist.  Another senseless death has happened in Nova Scotia and eerily, it is so similar to yours.  Even the words that the girl said to her mother and the descriptions that the mother gave about her daughter.  “Mom, although I often feel like killing myself…I could never do that to you because you would be devastated.” “She acted on an impulse but I truly in my heart of heart do not feel she meant to kill herself.” and there are so many more similar words and thoughts.  When I read the FB post, I felt like I was reading my own writing, for which I have done lots of in the past 6 months.

Has it really been that long.  I have picked up so many new friends Amanda.  They all care about you.  And they care about me.  When I am up late because I can’t sleep or I am working on something related to your legacy, they message me and tell me to go to bed.  They bring and send me gifts.  They offer to help me with your legacy with we have initialized as ATL(F).  Believe me, you are global.  I have never seen so many different postmarks and I have learned about postage rates.

I still wonder Why?  What if?  What about?  I don’t think those questions will ever leave me.  It is so easy for many to say that time will heal. Does it ever?  I’m not so sure.  When I think I am doing okay, I crash. Sometimes the world comes crashing down with everything that is coming at me.  I ask myself, is this normal.  Will it stop?  I truly think that in order to make a difference in this world with the things the things you went through, we have to continue to fight our battle and send our message loudly to all those that need to listen.  It won’t happen overnight, or in a few days or even months.  It will take years.  I only hope that those who rally behind you (and me) form an US and will be there for as long as they can.

Your friends are still there.  I have found many new friends who were actually old friends a zillion years ago.  There is a saying that we are all bound together by 6 degrees of separation.  That is so right.  My biggest problem is trying to stay connected with so many people.  I love all the ones that I meet but I can’t keep up with the constant ‘hellos’.  I only hope that they will send me ‘hellos’ first.

I have almost finished up the sayings for what will go on the bench at the park where I can sit, where your friends can sit, where dogs and birds can sit and watch those silly ducks that live at the pond year after year.  Do you remember the goose that sits on the island?  Well, she is back there probably sitting on her goose eggs.  Oh, and your bench will be in the spot that you started to ride down the hill and then landed in the pond.  Do you remember that afternoon?  You were dripping wet and wailing from anger and duck pond water.  But you made it home with the support of friends to get cleaned up.  Oh, and the water trailed everywhere in the house.  Uggg…. (duck pond water).

I cannot believe the attention that your name still generates PS.  Tonight I was at an event where there was a cheque presentation for the ATL.  When Colin Sprake asked people in his seminar if they knew who you were, half the room raised their hands.  I think that after I talked about you for a few minutes, all those people knew who you were and won’t forget.  Colin and Sarah K donated an awesome amt of $$ to the ATL.  There is another Bike Rally that has been planned for June 9th.  Sophia and her sister are planning it.  So nice to see.  Can you please make it not rain for that day?

So I do get real tired of crying.  Every day I wake up and repeat to myself like Thomas ‘I think I won’t, I think I won’t’ but it doesn’t seem to work.  CBC News was here to today to do a short interview.  Yep, I cried.  Then when friends watched it, they cried.  How to get shares in Kleenex brand???

You should see your garden.  Pretty nice with a Summer Snowflake tree.  Pretty colour flowers.  Peaceful words in the garden.  And I am getting a plaque made too.

Time to try to sleep and play a bit of Candy Crush.  I am only on Level 23 and struggling.  Other people I know are on Level 1??.  Oh my … looking back in older blog writings, tomorrow will be the letter that I wrote for you on your 16th birthday. That was the hardest piece I have ever ever written.  As I said before, I will be pained forever with the loss of you.

We all make sure to light candles on the 10th of each month for you. I light one more often.  Your memories are so everpresent!!

Love and wishful hugs from mom to my PS  xoxo


About Carol Todd

Being the mother of Amanda Todd has lead me on this journey shortly after Amanda's death on October 10, 2012. Amanda's prolific You Tube video has been viewed over 33 million times. Through this video, there has been an increased awareness about cyberbullying, social media safety and mental health. www.amandatoddlegacy.org
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21 Responses to April 10th – Pssst Amanda …yoohoo…..6 long months!!!

  1. Keith Bennett says:

    I am soo happy that i got to meet you Amanada Todd as a friend.She was a great girl,And now she will never be forgotten.But always happily remembered… Rest In Peace Amanada Todd


  2. merle48 says:

    I am using my daughter’s laptop tonight because my computer crashed. I went straight to this page when I logged on. Wow, you really poured your heart out today Carol! Six months without your beautiful daughter is a very hard realization for you, but the love of those that care and your daughter spirit which definitely dwells within you, will keep you going. Never will I pretend to know what you go through every day when you open your eyes, however, i love your daughter as if she was someone very close to me. I don’t care what that means to other people, I KNOW there is a reason for this…it’s just not some coincidence. In my religion, our priest says there are no such thing as coincidences…I never knew that, but now it all makes sense! If this were all just a coincidence, to be drawn as I am to this child…then it would be meaningless, but it is instead so worthwhile to write to you, to try and comfort you, to share the same strong feelings as others here. You know what? I will stick around as long as you do…maybe a little longer. It’s funny how I believe you need us for support, yet we also need you to support us! Many of us feel very deeply about Amanda, your well-being, and doing whatever we can to bring light to this travesty done to so many innocent, beautiful people. You said so much today, I hope it brought some healing to your good soul, if only for a while. i will always be here to listen, and I’m very proud of the people who post here to try and absorb some of your pain…angels on earth.


    • Tristan says:

      merle48, just coming across your post and after reading Carol’s blog and your post, just simply lost for words. I feel i can relate to and agree with much of what you said, just so honest and heartfelt, thank you for sharing those kind words.This is a pretty heavy blog and very beautiful at that. Its hard to comprehend some of the similarities with Amanda and the girl from NS and things that her mother has said. A lot of what ive read from her sounds and looks a lot like what you post, it all does remind me of your writing. The one line in this blog that really made me take a deep breath and hold it in silence and hit me in the heart is this one “As I said before, I will be pained forever with the loss of you.”


  3. LeeAnn says:

    My heart felt condolences for your loss. In high school i was bullied. To this day it is still something i try to make sense of and wonder why.


  4. Marebear says:

    Yay! you made it to the 6month point! You don’t know me, but I saw you on the news today, and looked you up for your blog…I think its awesome that you are using this as a tool for your healing process. God Bless you!


  5. la Punisher says:

    Translation for Andria:
    Good Night, Carol!
    I just have to leave some words here.
    I want you to know that six months have passed .. and 6 more have passed … and love for Amanda will be here forever and your friendships and their love will be eternal and will and fight for a better world will have good results always will be like flakes of snow each life saved, every life recovered and all this for the love Amanda! Love you all loved Todd and family bolg!


  6. Andria says:

    Boa Noite Carol !
    Só tenho algumas palavras para deixar aqui .
    Quero que saiba que 6 meses se passaram ..e mais 6 se passaram …e o amor que sente por Amanda sera eterno e suas amizades aqui serão eternas e o seu amor e vontade e luta por um mundo melhor tera sempre bons resultados sera como flocos de neves cada vida salva ,a cada vida recuperada e tudo isto pelo amor a Amanda !! Amo todos vocês familia todd e familia bolg!!


  7. Sue Hindle says:

    hugs Carol, I will be lighting a candle later and thinking of Amanda your beautiful PS


  8. Savetheworld says:

    Carol, please just try to keep that smile on your beautiful face and know that the world is forming a line behind you! Keep the faith! Xoxo ❤ Amanda, even though I didn't know you before October 10, I love and miss you. You have now become everybody's child!! The world needed you but i guess you cane into it with a purpose! you were a chosen one. I know you are in a good place and i know you are looking down on your amazing momma and smiling!! You must be so proud of her! i know we all are! Xoxo ❤ sending you healing love Carol.


  9. namedallas says:

    All the many stoies I’ve heard about you show’s how bright and colarful things were with you around and how many lives you’ve touched along the way. And although I have never met you I learn something new about you almost every day,and how it’s left such a empty space in somany people’s lives. So if you didn’t know how valuable you were six months ago,I really hope you know valuable you are today.
    You are truely missed by somany. Carol thanks again for sharing your lifes and your feelings.


  10. diane says:

    Can I buy shares in Kleenex too Carol? Amanda will never be forgotten by my family either. Stay Strong Mom. Beautiful writing…….xoxoxoxo


  11. la Punisher says:

    Dear Amanda… Today is 6 months since you left us, I have thought about you and that horrible pain
    you had to go tho’ every day since day one, You have left a big impression on the world and started
    a great movement that is growing bigger everyday, I promise to fight for your cause by making people aware of the dangers of bullying. We all LOVE you, So RIP sweet angel, This shall not be forgotten…

    At 6PM a candle will be lit in memory of you

    Carol I hope that your day is peaceful and full of LOVE, Hugz 2U


  12. Omnivision92 says:

    A song I recently found.
    Love You Amanda.


  13. 6 Months already… Amanda you will always be in our hearts and minds. Its sad to see another senseless death happen over one bad decision. Why is it that boys think its okay to do such a thing? Will light a candle in honor of Amanda and Retaeh tonight. Hugz to you Carol


  14. Paul K says:

    Lovely post today Carol.Finding it hard to express my feelings as I read down thru the paragraphs.It is great that you have the SnowFlake Garden,with the SnowBall tree,planted.I wait for the day that I can sit quietly on Amanda’s bench.I will be outside,looking in.Looking into my soul as I have a private communique with Amanda…………………


  15. H.I.D. says:

    Amanda, You Are Loved Always, And Forever, You Will Never Be Forgotten.
    Beautiful, Precious, Innocnet Child.


  16. Hamsi says:

    Amanda, we are thinking of you today and loving you as much as ever. You have changed so many lives! I never knew you before October 10 and I now I feel I have known you forever! We will continue to forward your legacy, that is a promise.


    • Hamsi says:

      I also need to add a few words about the sad death in Nova Scotia. At one level it depresses me because I thought after Amanda the authorities were far more vigilant to issues like this and then we learn of the indifference…..I hope here at least the perpetrators are brought to book.


      • la Punisher says:

        To Hamsi: the authorities only go after the easy ones and make like the do great works, I have no faith in the justice system when it comes to what is happening to our young people, More needs to be done, a lot more, This is all so unreal, Everyday I come across a new teen suicide,I really don’t know where this will end up if something don’t get done, its totally unacceptable. If you are Canadian Consider messaging your MP and engage their help in bringing this back to the floor of parliament… every little bit helps in the fight
        We (anonymous) has stepped into the fight with… Operation Justice For Rehtaeh #OpJustice4Rataeh You can read the update here, http://pastebin.com/mwW6HLdv


  17. Terrie Motta says:

    Hugs to u carol many many hugs
    PS is watching u and is so proud
    Of all the things u have done for her


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