April 20 – Catching up on ….

It’s been a long 2 weeks.  Sleep has come and gone.  Apparently when the brain, body and soul need healing, it gets tired and forces sleep.  I guess that is what has been happening with me.  Crashing at 9 pm and then waking up 11 hours later.  I have had super weepy moments. Spontaneous I would say.  It drives me absolutely crazy that it happens without warning.  I think of Amanda.  I hear a song.  I see a colour that she liked.  I want to hear her voice and her laughter and her cheekiness.  I haven’t made popcorn in my house since October.  It drives me so insane that life continues onward and I am left with this void.

Spring shopping has come and gone.  I am definitely not in that mode or mood.  I am waiting for the ‘it’s going to get easier stage’.  Is it? Will it?  Tell me when.

I’ve been watching and reading the tweets from @GlenfordCanning and wonder how he is doing.  Also how Leah and Jason are doing also.  It is not easy to be out there in the public eye fighting the cause.  Hopefully all the people who care and want to see a change can join together and make that LOUD VOICE that I talked about last week.  There were two articles that came out today:

1.  Vancouver Sun – http://www.vancouversun.com/Justice+minister+seeks+intimate+images/8271531/story.html

2. Globe and Mail – http://www.theglobeandmail.com/news/national/after-rehtaeh-parsons-justice-ministers-urge-ottawa-to-tackle-cyberbullying/article11421230/

Please take the time to read them.  They both state that changes need to be made and that the Justice Minister in Nova Scotia has promised to Rehteah’s mom that he will bring recommendations to Ottawa.  It would be about time that this discussion occurs.

Youth mental health needs to be big on the political agenda too. Too many kids are in need of supports and we need to get the help before it is too late.  Sometimes it is felt by myself and other parents that it is a revolving hamster wheel.  But despite that, we need to keep working on it.  We need to get everyone involved.  Even if they don’t have kids or a loved one suffering from mental health concerns.  You never know when it may rear it’s ugly head.  Just like cancer, diabetes, glaucoma, etc.

Remember it’s about the # of voices and how loud it needs to get to be heard.

There is a fundraiser in Port Coquitlam on Sunday, June 9th – go to Bikes Against Bullies Facebook page.  There is also a Twitter that is listed on the site.

Screen Shot 2013-04-20 at 10.21.16 PM


Amanda story – The day Amanda used nail polish and acrylic paint to do an art project.  In the kitchen.  On the oak table.  Hmm… it was purple, blue and green.  Acrylic paint and nail polish doesn’t really come off.  I know (says Amanda).  If nail polish remover works on getting nail polish off fingernails, then it must work on everything else.  “Groan” … (says mom who wasn’t around the kitchen at the time).  So out came the nail polish remover.  Off came the laquer on the kitchen table.  “Umm…. mom … the table isn’t shiny anymore”.  “Why honey, what did you do?”  “I’m going outside to play mom. You know, get the fresh air and sunshine you always tell me to get. Bye.  Love you.”  Poof… gone.  It was only a table.  Wasn’t any worse than the rabbits chewing the railing or the puppies chewing the chair legs.  ** OH .. and Amanda used the green, purple and blue paint on the front steps on the concrete steps.  The colour are still there and will stay forever.  🙂

I’ve got to go now before I get way to emotional for 11 pm on a  Saturday night.  Love you princess snowflake.  I heard it was snowing today somewhere in Eastern Canada.  I think they are wanting some spring now.

(Love the tributes people make in your memory Amanda!!)

Mom xoxo



About Carol Todd

Being the mother of Amanda Todd has lead me on this journey shortly after Amanda's death on October 10, 2012. Amanda's prolific You Tube video has been viewed over 33 million times. Through this video, there has been an increased awareness about cyberbullying, social media safety and mental health. www.amandatoddlegacy.org
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7 Responses to April 20 – Catching up on ….

  1. Andria says:

    Do not lose your faith in the shadows of the world. What The Still Your feet are bleeding, heads to the front, lifting her by heavenly light, From above yourself. Believes and works. Be strong in the well and wait Patiently. Everything passes and everything is renewed on earth, but from heaven remain. All the more unfortunate wretched are those who have lost confidence in God and in himself, because the greatest misfortune is suffering deprivation From faith and continue living. Raises therefore your eye and walks. Fight and serves. Learn and advance you. Shines the dawn beyond the night. Today, it is possible that the storm will amarfanhe the heart and torment the ideal you, prodding you with distress or threatening you with death. Do not forget, though, that tomorrow is another day.

    Chico Xavier


  2. Hamsi says:

    Carol, heartbreaking to read about Amanda but grateful for the memories you share. I am not in Canada, so I can only urge you and others in Canada to make sure justice is meted out to Amanda as well. What she went through was the same kind of exploitation as Rateah’s.


  3. namedallas says:

    Not very good at putting thoughts into words right this minute,but I hope things do get better Carol. I like the new memory you shared about amanda,but at least she tried to clean up after her self.Thanks for sharing !


  4. merle48 says:

    To Niall, so well said and heartfelt, I’m in unison with your thoughts. Carol, you are very lucky to still have those painted steps, and you said “the colors are still there.” Think of them as a symbol of Amanda, to endure forever. She was quite the character wasn’t she? Love your stories!


  5. Tristan says:

    To Niall- i love everything you said in your comment. I feel the same way about certain songs i listen too, especially those two songs that play along with her Youtube video. I honestly think it would be impossible for me to hear those two songs and not think of Amanda. They will forever be Amanda’s songs.

    Carol, im glad sleep is finally catching up with you, Its inevitable that it would as you do need your much needed rest. I know sleep probably doesn’t come very easily at times, but when it does come, let it happen. You ask , ‘Does it ever get easier?’ – im not sure anyone can really give you an accurate answer, i think it might be different for everyone who has lost someone close or a child of any age. I believe the void may always remain but you’ll learn through time, different ways of coping and may be able to control emotions a little easier as time goes on.
    Two excellent articles ,, it is about time that this discussion gets started, and i only hope we do see a change.

    I love reading the Amanda story, i remember hearing some of it from the second memorial during your speech. I would be interested in maybe seeing a picture of the colours she left on the steps sometime. Even if they might only be splatter or splash marks they will forever be a reminder of her and her creativity. Love the tribute picture.


  6. Niall McDade says:

    My heart still aches for you and your family, Carol. If a complete stranger like myself still feels this way 6 months later, I can’t even begin to imagine what it must be like for you and your loved ones. I think about Amanda every day. Just last night, I downloaded a song from iTunes, a sad song that was playing on the radio here last October that I instantly associated with Amanda when her story came out. I haven’t heard it for quite some time, but it took me back to the cold rainy days of last October and made feel that pain all over again. That song, along with several others will always make me think of Amanda.
    If I could offer you any encouragement, I think what you’re doing is making a difference by getting people to to talk about the issue of teens and bullying. I have friends at work talking about this issue now and one friend in particular texted me when the story of Rehtaeh came out, and he also sent me a text to watch for the Anderson Cooper special
    on bullying, a little while back. Is that a big deal? No, it’s not, but it’s encouraging to me knowing that just by talking about it, has other people thinking about it and hopefully they will carry on that conversation. What’s the old saying? Think globally but act locally, I believe it is. That’s the key. Just talk about it, friends.

    This is a conversation that you started Carol, and I think you should be very proud of what you’ve accomplished so far in such a short time. I’m sure Amanda would be proud of her “cool mom.”

    Thanks for another cute little Amanda story about the nail polish on the table, I got a good chuckle out of that one! 🙂

    Luv ya!


  7. Sue Hindle says:

    I don’t think anyone can tell you when the easier stage comes. It is different for every person. I think from what I remember what you are going through is normal for grief..I could be wrong,, and if I am someone please correct me.. but you had a tremendous loss, you need time to heal, I volunteered to help at the fundraiser in Poco.. hugs ..


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