May 18 – The heartbreak of Amanda’s Facebook ….

What can I say?  The title of this posting says it all.  I went into Amanda’s Facebook page to see what her friends had posted recently.  I went into the photos to pull out some of them.  I really need to go in and get them all copied into my computer.  That’s when it tore me apart.  Seeing the photos of Amanda in her childhood all happy and smiling with her brother, her dad and her friends.  Where did the days of happy childhood go?  What happened?  When do kids become jaded and mean?  Why do they do that?  I look at the photos and with a stark realization, I will never be able to hold my daughter again.  I can’t laugh with her.  I can’t shop with her or watch her get married or have her babies.  I won’t be able to be the grandmother that tells her all those things that she did as a baby and what she should do with her own.  It’s the who and whats out there that made this not possible.

My therapist says it is healthy to cry.  I do all the time when I think of her.  Not here.  I read the blog posts from Rehteah Parson’s parents and can feel their pain also.  It is the same as mine only mine is 7 months old and there’s is only 1 month.  I do think that my therapist tests me from time to time.  He will mention Amanda’s name to see how fast the tear ducts might flow.  I think that’s how he gauges on my mental well being and the state of my PTSD.  I usually cry.  He says it’s normal.  It wipes me out.  But it’s part of the healing he says.  And so is the advocacy things I am doing.  And talking to the ones I have – whether via social media or on the phone.  So to all of you … you are my healing process.

I went out to dinner tonight with friends and was recognized in the parking lot by a person who identified himself as an RCMP officer who knew about Amanda on that night of October 10th.  I got a thank you.  I also bumped into a work colleague at my doctor’s office today.  I hadn’t seen her since before October 10th.  She also wanted to thank me for sharing my voice.  She told me that I was making a difference.  And that difference would be for her son who is now only 4 months old.  I hope that changes can be made.

I was also reminded of an Amanda story.  I am searching this out to see what particular grade this happened.   We think maybe grade 3 or 4.  Amanda was always thinking of ways to help in her community if she wasn’t operating a lemonade stand.  Her idea at school was to do a shoe drive.  Collecting shoes that people didn’t want to give to the Shoe Bank.  Is there even a shoe bank around?  Well Amanda saw this in the local paper and wanted to do it.  She got some friends interested in the idea. They presented it to their school principal.   (I was also a teacher at the same school so saw and heard it all.)  The idea was accepted and off went the girls.  They made posters and put them around the school. They collected boxes for the shoes.  Everyday when shoes arrived, they would assemble them in the front office foyer in their pairs and all in neat orderly rows.  Oh, we can’t forget that each day, the girls would count them and keep a running record.  So if you want to talk about an integrated curriculum, there was math, graphing, art, writing (for the morning announcements), public speaking, and we can’t forget the media interview.  Someone came to take a picture of the shoes and do a mini inteview for the local paper.  The funny thing I do remember is that somehow, a pair of shiny/sparkly/rhinestony high heels (for me)  and runners (for her) ended up at home.  Amanda really liked them and snuck them to her house.  She figured that you could also trade the shoes.  I still have the high heels in my closet.  She wanted to be able to wear them someday.  I will dig them out at a later day and take a picture to share.  So you see, that was the ever caring side of Amanda.  She always wanted to do things for the better.   And yet, the people who didn’t know that part of her, treated her like crap.

I read a blog today that intrigued me.  It was by Jim Nico of The Social Network for May 17.  There was a link to Glen Canning’s blog.  Glen is the father of Rehtaeh.  I couldn’t help myself but to reply to Jim’s blog post about social media.  I won’t name specifics but speak to it in more general terms.

I am also wondering … where might my luggage be?  Who might have it?  And if you do have it, can you please return what was in it.

I surprise myself how writing can calm me down.  They say that if you move your thinking from the back to the front of your brain, it will provide calmness.  I am calm now.  Not crying.  Sad yes, but not as sad as 15 minutes ago.

I read the comments from yesterday’s post.  Thank you everyone for being there for me.   You will truly never know how much it means to me.  And for the AH’s out there, you have a sad life ahead as karma bites.

Love you all,

from Princess Snowflake and her mom, xoxo

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About Carol Todd

Being the mother of Amanda Todd has lead me on this journey shortly after Amanda's death on October 10, 2012. Amanda's prolific You Tube video has been viewed over 33 million times. Through this video, there has been an increased awareness about cyberbullying, social media safety and mental health. www.amandatoddlegacy.org
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22 Responses to May 18 – The heartbreak of Amanda’s Facebook ….

  1. merle48 says:

    To Adam, Your story is sadly beautiful, I hope you don’t mind me commenting, but the last line should be written in STONE for all of us….May you find peace.

    Like

  2. Adam Wilson says:

    Carol, I am so thankful that you are making a difference in people’s lives, especially the younger generation. As I was reading, I couldn’t help but think about my own loss. When I first found out about Amanda passing away Oct. 10, I bawled my eyes out for both of us, and very nearly hit the floor. You see, my brother took his own life, too he found out he had lung cancer…. he passed away on Oct. 11, 2007. What are the chances????!!!!

    When you got to the part about the shoe drive Amanda had going, I was reminded of this story from Josh’s funeral: A few weeks before Josh’s death, the pastor delivering the sermon – and this story – said that he’d needed some dirt for some project he had going on (I *want* to think the pastor needed it moved from one place to another… not exactly sure). Anyhow, Josh came & shoveled and shoveled and shoveled EVERY LAST BIT OF EARTH that the pastor needed… and Josh in a type of pain I can’t even imagine!!!!!! The pastor tried to get him to take money, tried to talk him down even to a really small amount…. Josh WOULDN’T TAKE A DIME!!!!!! That’s just the kind of person Josh Wilson was.

    I’ve blocked out most of the funeral, so I’m quite surprised I remembered that story.

    Try & stay strong, Carol…. Amanda’s in the best of hands. I’ve had to come to grips with that where Josh is concerned. We all had wondered whether there’d been anything we could’ve done, and there just… *wasn’t*!!!!!!! The only thing I regret is that I didn’t visit with Josh more often.

    love you.

    Like

  3. Jay McDonell says:

    This is beautiful! My prayers are always with you and Princess Snowflake ❤ Forever missed

    Like

  4. Keep writing Carol. i’m sure so many others loke me are reading and following along, and yes amazed at your strength, honesty and openness. You are inspiring and you are not alone.
    Xoxo

    Like

  5. Hamsi says:

    That was a sweet story about Amanda, but I was not surprised, this is just the kind of thing I would expect her to do. Loving, caring, and taking initiative. That is why we continue to think of her with such warmth, even those of use who didn’t know her.

    Like

  6. Dennis V says:

    Carol, I hope that one day it becomes easier for you…you’ve been through so much. losing a child is such a tragic way and now dealing with the AHs and cyber stalkers…Hugs and take care Carol.

    P.S since I know he/she will be reading this, you are entitled to your own opinion… its called free speech, but if you have nothing good to say don’t put in on a public forum like the internet for everyone to see. You say you speak the truth, but all I see are assumptions, you were never there and if you were then you are part responsible. Furthermore accusing someone is libel, and so is stalking someone, both which are crimes. I don’t know why you feel the need to do what you do, truth or not it isn’t right.

    Like

    • la Punisher says:

      Dennis V:… I know how much you care about what happened to Amanda an Carol, And people like who your talking about like to tear it apart an make themselves feel worthy, I advise you to really consider what your saying, In other words, don’t feed the troll, he feeds off that kind of emotion

      Like

  7. jag72 says:

    How did people get so cruel?
    How many unanswered questions?
    Why are people trying to do good around them are denied?

    Princess Snowflake this message is for you.
    Today I saw my daughter. I offered yours bracelet Amanda.She is so young that I can not explain the meaning of this bracelet and yours so tragic destiny.
    Only explain the words translated Stay Strong for the ordeal where we are.
    I’m so scared for her. Do not see how she grow away from us.
    If I trust in you tonight my pain is in the hope of having the strength to continue my road.
    Your mom is so strong for all of us in the same way that you are in our memory all.
    I wear this bracelet myself every day.
    You can also take care a little about me.I can join you when my time comes.

    Like

    • la Punisher says:

      To jag72: Nice!!!… ” Stay Strong ” Fight the good fight, One day the people might act differently, And love with brotherly love.

      Like

  8. Tristan says:

    I love this blog along with all the comments,, Donna Louie- thank you for sharing your story and your meeting with Carol, these kind of stories i find so touching. I believe it was meant to happen that you ran into Carol on that day. Merle- as always,, i love reading what you have to say,, and can i ever so relate, especially thinking back to those early few days when just learning about Amanda. I know ive never experienced anything like it before, that hit me so heavily and emotionally, really set me back and indeed was a process to go through, and still going through it,, just now at a different stage. @ Carol ,, your first paragraph really say’s it all,, it really makes a person think , and hits hard. Makes you realize just how unfair and how cruel life can be at times for different people. Nobody should ever experience that kind of loss in their lives, but it unfortunately does happen , and it needs to be talked about.Awareness and education on this subject is extremely important so we can learn from it and do everything we can in preventing this to happen to others. The person you ran into and told you this line is just so spot on -“you are making a difference. And that difference would be for her son who is now only 4 months old.” Thats how i feel also , knowing that the changes that everyone needs to be working on right now can and will benefit our future generations in positive ways. You truly are making a difference by stepping up to the plate and using your voice along with your experiences, so much everyone can learn from this… And i so enjoyed reading that story about Amanda and the shoe drive,, it really shows the true and kind heart she really had. ,, wonderful picture as well.

    Like

  9. namedallas says:

    Yea,I agree karma has away of catching up to people,I am sure that the things that where done to Amanda will be answered for someday.Very cute picture of Amanda.

    Like

  10. merle48 says:

    This morning I drove my grandson to a Boy Scout outing at a local park really early. This is located out in what we have left of “wilderness” in my state. As I was driving home in this peaceful atmosphere all alone with my thoughts, they strayed (as they usually do) to Amanda as I remember the pictures of her in beautiful wilderness settings where you live. I haven’t done this for a while, but with certain songs and their words…my tears just started to flow…I somehow could almost feel the enormous pain and loss you feel as her mother…but only for a fleeting moment. Sometimes I think that the people who care about you so much actually have an affinity with your thoughts. With all the things going on for the past months, it’s easy to lose sight of those strong, and disturbing feelings I used to have when I first heard about your daughter, however, I (this may sound strange) never want to forget how it made me feel when I first heard about her. The mystery remains why I am so affected by what happened to her, but I welcome anything that may have a positive outcome in my life…this surely has, in bittersweet ways. Don’t you (and I) wish you could click those “shiny/sparkly/rhinestony high heels” together three times like Dorothy did in the Wizard of Oz and have Amanda here now? I’m sorry, I don’t want to make you sadder, but this is what I thought of…did you? Last, I want to say that when you write about all the little things in Amanda’s life, you do her justice as a worthwhile human being…something none of us could EVER get from Facebook, MSM, and especially the AH out there. There is so much more to all of us than any words can ever express!

    Like

    • la Punisher says:

      To merle48:… O boy, You took those words right outta my head, That’s what I was going to post about, Thank you for typing it out for me.I just want to add, ” To all her peers that caused this precious child grief, Know you are being hunted, Justice moves slow, but Justice will be served in the end”

      Carol… That is truly a touching blog, Yes, I think we all still feel the pain, And I hope that it stays with us until this is made right so no other parent has to go thro’ this kind of tragedy.

      Hugz 2U

      Like

      • merle48 says:

        To la Punisher, All I have to do is view that beautiful girl’s pictures and hear her life stories to realize and cry all over again at the loss of such a precious life…and all the precious lives lost because they hurt so badly.

        Like

      • la Punisher says:

        To merle48: Yes, I am the same way, I see a picture and I think about the amount of pain she must of felt, than the eyes fill with tears. My God, How did people get so cruel?

        Like

  11. Gemma says:

    I am so sorry for your loss and the pain that you’re going through, and have been through. This latest post brings me to years about how you’re feeling. Once again, I am so sorry for your loss.

    Like

  12. Donna Louie says:

    Dear Carol, Yes, you are making a huge difference in the storm that Amanda has left behind. I use the word storm, because there is no other way to describe the chaos your world has turned into. I’m so glad I met you – for more than one reason – I still feel that Amanda directed me to Art Knapp’s day in December. All the way there I kept telling myself “I don’t have time, I shouldn’t go, I’ll only be 5 minutes, just go and get it done”…..I was on a mission- looking for some sort of special ornaments for 3 special people who have helped our son through a very difficult year with this loss of one of his long time friends. I came around the corner, there you stood, I introduced myself to you – told you I was so sorry for your loss, shared a story of a loss with you that we had experienced recently (so you may have the not so alone feeling) ~ that was it. We had met – all because I was directed to go that direction in that day. The next day was the Snowflake walk, our family attended and once again, I am watching a Mother who says “this is enough!”. Carol, “your Amanda” was the instrument used to re-light the bullying issue. She had no idea of where this would go I’m sure when she made that video – but you know there have been “seeds” planted EVERYWHERE because of her. We’ve always lived in a “good verse bad” society – always – but GOOD will always PREVAIL. Sadly for you, Amanda isn’t here any longer – but she IS HERE on so many levels. Everyday I wear my pink bracelets – I make sure they are always visible – never tucked under my sleeves (even with wearing my dress clothes at the office) – I notice people looking at them. I remind them of who Amanda Todd was and what her Mother is doing. Those seeds – are making a difference Carol. Let all those seeds heal your heart. There is nothing like a Mother’s love. At 16, our children, shouldn’t be burying their friends. It is that simple. The work you in honour of Amanda is touching lives that you don’t even know about. But please, make sure, you take some down time for you. Rest, drink some wine, cry, but remember to laugh too. I’m so glad to have met you, I’m looking forward to working with you Carol. There is NOTHING like a MOTHER’S LOVE!

    Like

  13. Bruce Van Stone says:

    Carol, the impact you are having on our youth and us adults is tremendous and despite the overwhelming sorrow and pain, you keep moving forward. On behalf of youth and parents everywhere thank you for your determination, your willingness to share your feelings and your unwavering hope that from Amanda’s tragedy we all can learn from it and do better as a world. Bruce Van Stone.

    Like

    • kristina says:

      could not have said it better!! *hugz*

      Like

    • Leah Parsons says:

      Carol, I feel the same about Rehtaeh not being able to see all the things she wanted to do in this life. I, like you find comfort in the written word and its a great release to work through feelings/emotions. Yes, people come up to me to say how Rehtaeh is making a difference in this world and sometimes I find comfort in that and other times I just want to scream and cry because I just want her back. Love this picture of Amanda…so cute. Leah

      Like

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