June 1 – Time goes too fast ….10 days till the 10th

Who would think that it would be June 1st already.  Time is going by too fast.  In 10 days it will be 9 months.  How did that many months go by?  Summer is upon us soon.  Then it will be fall again… I really don’t want to think that far ahead but I know it will come rolling in.  I feel for those families that might be experiencing their first weeks, first months, etc.   It is so very hard to go on with the thought that you are missing someone so much and that you won’t feel their warmth or see their smile or hear their laughter.  I used to groan when Amanda rolled on top of me on the couch when we were lying together.  She was always a warm/hot child whereby her brother wasn’t.  Amanda was like the electric blanket.  In the summer, she would lie on top of me to bug me.  In the winter, we would cuddle to warm each other up.   That was on top of all the soft fuzzy blankets I bought for us at Costco.  Somehow though, they would go missing.  Not quite sure where they would go.  I think she would go for sleepovers and then ‘forget’ the blankets somewhere.  That was my girl!!

Tonight I was at a Voice for the Horse fundraiser.  I was invited as a special guest.  There was also Cole Armour and Tiffany Desrosiers.  Listening to the powerful voices of these two young people was awesome.  They sang the new song ‘Stronger’ which emits strength, boldness and brevity.  I was honoured to be able to speak at this event and share my thoughts on how the world was being affected by bullying behaviours and what we could do as kids, parents and adults to make it a better world for now and the future.  I had 10 minutes but probably had more to say.  I will one day have to sit down and write it out from beginning to end.  Amanda was bullied.  She was in pain.  She worked hard to get past it.  The kids in her life wouldn’t allow her that freedom.  It got to be too much at some points.  She often said that she just wanted to feel normal again and she didn’t like the feeling of not being able to be a normal teenager.  You do have to feel for that kind of pain. It may not look like pain from the outside but she was feeling it.  Imagine when you have to do something you don’t want to do. It might be a fear of spiders, heights, going on stage or even a rollercoaster ride.  As the time approaches or you  see something you don’t like,  you get sweaty and/or clammy.  Your stomach starts doing cartwheels and you feel nauseous.  You get shaky and light headed.  Now imagine feeling that all the time.  Amanda felt this way and I am sure there are many kids and adults who also go through that.  But … with supports and a great counsellor, she started to feel better.  It was only when she was put under stresses again and  kids started the name calling again (3 weeks before October 10).  If they only knew what that did to her.  For me as her mom, to see her start to get better and then to drop again so quickly, it was painful to watch.  If only social media/cell phones/texting platforms didn’t exist.  Amanda would probably still be her.  The barrage of it all was too much.

Someone commented on last nights blog the following and I replied.  It is so true.  I wonder when and if it will happen.

Screen Shot 2013-05-31 at 11.10.08 AM

I posted this on my Facebook today. “The video is graphic of sorts. You need to make a conscious decision to watch or not watch. I do believe the topic(s) in the film are important and need to be covered but I don’t believe the endings (such as this one) need to be as visually displayed. For me personally, we need to share with youth that there are ways out of depression.” Comments are welcome.


Another day tomorrow.  There is a radio show I am going on ‘The Roy Green Show’.  11:05 (PST) in Vancouver.  It will be about bullying and what we can do to counteract it.  Listen if you have the time. Another mom will also be on with me after the first 30 minutes.

Time for CC.  I am still on Level 65.

Hugz to everyone and especially to PS.  Felt her presence tonight holding me up. Funny coincidence was that Tiffany sang the song ‘Don’t Worry Child’ at the event and she wouldn’t have known about the connection between that song and Amanda and our family.



About Carol Todd

Being the mother of Amanda Todd has lead me on this journey shortly after Amanda's death on October 10, 2012. Amanda's prolific You Tube video has been viewed over 33 million times. Through this video, there has been an increased awareness about cyberbullying, social media safety and mental health. www.amandatoddlegacy.org
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6 Responses to June 1 – Time goes too fast ….10 days till the 10th

  1. merle48 says:

    You are entering new stages in the grieving process, and once again I feel as if I pick up your vibes from across the miles. The past few days I have been brought to tears in a strange way when I think about your daughter and what she had to endure, and how she should be here enjoying her teen years, summer, and anticipating a bright future. Instead, you are left with bittersweet memories of your child..and a yearning for her that can never be fulfilled. I speak this way because I can actually grasp it, if only for a moment. As I watched my own teen daughter and her friend swimming in our pool a day ago, I noticed their carefree laughter, radio blasting…enough to make me think of Amanda and how it SHOULD have been. These thoughts brought on the tears…more so of outrage that she could not be saved! I also went to my grandson’s field day yesterday and as I watched these children, ages 5 to 10 years old, I kept wondering what percentage of them will have to endure similar hardships by the time they are teens, and how many will feel as despondent as Amanda did. These thoughts shouldn’t be what I think of as I look at these children, however, this appears to be the REALITY we have acquired. I WISH with all my heart and soul that I could reach up to heaven, retrieve your child and hand her back to you…you probably don’t realize how many of us would do this if only we could! There are feasibly enough of us to reach as fear as heaven, if we formed a ladder of people…that is how many of us care so much and always will.


  2. Renée B. says:

    This afternoon, there is a memorial service for a schoolmate of my daughters who committed suicide last week. A grade 12 student, she was the daughter of one of their teachers, My daughters did not know her very well but it appears that bullying had something to do with it. Apparently, she was being bullied because of her having been with several boys from school.

    A friend of my eldest daughters is switching schools because of harassment. Again, it has something to do with boys. I don’t know what it is, but there seems to be a lot of bullying of girls centered around relationships with boys. I don’t understand this mentality.

    Teen suicide is a societal problem, young people should not feel that it is the only solution. It is true that support is needed, but a change in mentality must also occur. Teenagers, and children, can be very mean and unforgiving. People in general, and young people specifically, should embrace the fact that kindness, empathy and all the other related qualities, would make life a lot more pleasant for everyone.

    Take care, Carol!


  3. la Punisher says:

    Like Tristan I really love reading the stories about princess Snowflake,( May she
    forever be wrap in Sweet Eternal Love like a new born child in its mothers arms.)
    On the 10th of each month, at 6Pm, I light a candle, Remember this sweet child, and make a vow
    to continue to support the fight against bullying, Cyber bullying, Child Exploitation etc, In whatever
    way I can.
    Hugz 2U Carol


  4. Tristan says:

    Such a strong blog. I really cant believe the time is going by so quickly. So much has happened since last October , been following everything you do with the Legacy closely, Ive been keeping up with all your blogs (even though i havent commented on the last few ones, ill go back and do so) but ive been finding your latest ones very interesting,, and strong. Even just the little stories about you and Amanda on the couch i find so heart felt and sad. Thank you for sharing these little stories, they really open one’s eyes to realize how precious life really is and all the people in your life. It is so important to Not take time spent with loved ones for granted. No one knows what tomorrow brings and ‘Tomorrow’ is never guaranteed. Its so important to appreciate each day as it happens and the one’s in our lives. Once the day is over we can never get it back, its important to make the most of each day.


  5. Sandra Esono says:

    Carol 9 or 8 months?


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