July 10 – Exactly 9 months since October 10th

I think this whole week has been rough.  The emotional rollercoaster started last night finding videos and pictures of Amanda. Today I had a dentist appointment.  I had taken Amanda to the dentist about a week before she died.  Walking in there brought back memories.  Sitting in the dentist chair with nothing to do but think made me sad.  The poor dentist and the hygenist.  The tears came and I couldn’t stop them. The dentist was Amanda’s dentist so she knew.  The hygenist was new and I don’t think she knew.  However, I think that was the fastest teeth cleaning I have ever gotten.

While in the dentist chair. a parent of one of Amanda’s friends texted me and asked if they could go see the bench.  Of course they could.  Anyone can go see the bench.  It is in Settler’s Park in Port Coquitlam.   I saw that someone had imprinted an ‘A’ in the concrete that the bench is on.  Emily and her mom took pictures and brought 2 balloons.  I love what one of the balloons says – P.S. I love you!!  That is absolutely perfect.

I spent alot of my day and night very emotional and teary.  It’s now when I look at the bench I think — it shouldn’t be happening.  I walk past memorial benches often and look at the names and dates.  Now my daughter has a bench with a name and date.  I hope that when people go to visit the bench, they will sit on it and think about the good things Amanda brought to life.  And all the things she is bringing to our lives now.  I hope that no one vandalizes the bench and treat it respectfully, like they should a person.  If on every 10th of each month, we could put a balloon there as a token of remembering.  In the winter, more innovation will be needed.

Finding the right words for the plaque was easy but hard.  Trying to make all the words that I felt were so very important fit onto one plaque.  And of course, there were the snowflakes which needed to be included.  Thank you to the two schools, the school community of parents, students, teachers and also my colleagues and friends who made this happen with their generous donation of $$ and love.  You have made us so very happy that there is something of Amanda in this community that we can visually see, feel and touch.  We can sit at the pond and watch the ducks and geese.  Listen to the bullfrogs.  Watch kids ride their bikes.  And just think about life.

I don’t think anyone can imagine the emotional turmoil except those who have lost their child to a similar circumstance.  A close second is a parent who has ‘almost’ lost their child.  I know some of you will say … death is death.  I used to think that.  But that’s not how it goes.  Each one is so different and unique.

Although it is July 10th right now, there has to be a sleep in between.  The morning will bring a new day.  It will actually be the first 10th in 3 months that nothing eventful has happened and the media is not at my doorstep.  I will sit in the sunshine and think. I will go to the pond with my morning coffee and  sit on Amanda’s bench.

My eyes feel like sandpaper.  I should probably go to sleep.  It was a 3 a.m. morning yesterday.

Niters.  xoxo

Love you Princess Snowflake

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About Carol Todd

Being the mother of Amanda Todd has lead me on this journey shortly after Amanda's death on October 10, 2012. Amanda's prolific You Tube video has been viewed over 33 million times. Through this video, there has been an increased awareness about cyberbullying, social media safety and mental health. www.amandatoddlegacy.org
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11 Responses to July 10 – Exactly 9 months since October 10th

  1. Gemma says:

    I was just listening to the song, ‘Don’t you worry child’ by Swedish House Mafia, and I was thinking of Amanda.
    As much as we all wish that she was still here, she is in the spiritual sense, I can’t help but be so freaking proud of her.
    She has done so so so much, and you’ve helped her story come to light and raise the questions of bullying, Carol.
    I meant to write something else as well,
    Temporary mind lapse.
    I lit a candle for her on the 10th, and I listened to Wonder Woman for most of the day.
    I will be visiting her chair in the park in December when I’m in Canada, and I’ll release a balloon for her whilst I’m there.
    Well done Carol, and well done Amanda.
    You’ve both done an amazing job, and Amanda’s looking down on us right now too.
    Massive hugs to you, Carol x


  2. I think of you nearly all day everyday! Amanda it is my passion, my obsession to help make a difference, to help stop bullying in the whole world. It is clear that it won’t be stopped completely but everyone could know what the consequences could be.

    Zero tolerance for bullying in schools.

    You are making the difference Amanda, because of you many others will not have to suffer like you did. We all love you Amanda, the world loves you, I hope the angels hug you today maybe a hug from me too. I love you so much Amanda! I wish I knew you here and we could have helped you then. Tell us Amanda if we are missing something that could help, give us a sign! I don’t want anyone falling through the cracks. You must be in heaven because you are doing miracles. This is your mission, I am following you every day.

    Maybe you are celebrating every life saved? Maybe you rejoice over every bully who stops bullying. I do! I rejoice each and every day knowing some have changed their ways because of you, because of us all.

    We love you more than you could know!

    ❤ your friend and helper



  3. jag72 says:

    Princesse flocon de neige , je n’ai pas perdu mes enfants de cette façon si tragique mais je sais ce que l’on ressent chaque jour qui passe.
    Un cruel manque d’amour .
    Pourquoi vous envahissez mes pensées toute la journée ?
    Est ce le fait du 10 ?
    Ce soir j’ai acheté un album d’un chanteur décédés qui était vraiment un poète engagé .
    Je suis certain que si il était encore parmi nous , il aurait rejoint vôtre cause.
    Ce n’est pas anodin le choix , car je sais que de belles vidéos vont naitre pour vous .


    • la Punisher says:

      Translation Jag72
      Princess Snowflake, I have not lost my children in this way so tragic but I know that every day that passes we feel.
      A severe lack of love.
      Why do you invade my thoughts all day?
      Is the fact of 10?
      Tonight I bought an album by a singer who died was really a committed poet.
      I’m sure if he was still among us, he would have joined yours cause.
      This is not trivial choice because I know that will be born beautiful videos for you.


  4. merle48 says:

    As I’ve said before, an eternal light burns in my heart for Amanda. I wish I could physically sit on this special bench, it is beautiful!


  5. Savetheworld says:

    The bench is beautiful Carol. i promise I will make a trip out there to see it and to see you. I wish I could give you a big hug and make it all go away. Please understand that for those of us who have suffered in the hands of bullies you and Amanda are our Heros. Xoxo stay strong


  6. Hamsi says:

    A beautiful tribute to a beautiful (inside and outside) child. I am sur the bench will give rest and solace to many.


  7. velvet says:

    I know you have mentioned you don’t really believe in this, but the pics of the bench and balloons with the sky have a really spiritual feel to them. The sky seems unearthly blue.


  8. la Punisher says:

    With Amanda’s passing I’m sure everyday is a sad day but more so on this date, Tonite a candle will burn in remembrance ‘R.I.P. Princess Snowflake’

    Double Hugz 4U today


  9. H.I.D. says:

    Everyone will remember you, Princess Snowflake.
    Beautiful Precious Innocent Child.


  10. Dennis v says:

    Though not the easiest day, I hope you get a good night’s rest and have a great day, take care. hugs xoxo


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