I think this whole week has been rough. The emotional rollercoaster started last night finding videos and pictures of Amanda. Today I had a dentist appointment. I had taken Amanda to the dentist about a week before she died. Walking in there brought back memories. Sitting in the dentist chair with nothing to do but think made me sad. The poor dentist and the hygenist. The tears came and I couldn’t stop them. The dentist was Amanda’s dentist so she knew. The hygenist was new and I don’t think she knew. However, I think that was the fastest teeth cleaning I have ever gotten.
While in the dentist chair. a parent of one of Amanda’s friends texted me and asked if they could go see the bench. Of course they could. Anyone can go see the bench. It is in Settler’s Park in Port Coquitlam. I saw that someone had imprinted an ‘A’ in the concrete that the bench is on. Emily and her mom took pictures and brought 2 balloons. I love what one of the balloons says – P.S. I love you!! That is absolutely perfect.
I spent alot of my day and night very emotional and teary. It’s now when I look at the bench I think — it shouldn’t be happening. I walk past memorial benches often and look at the names and dates. Now my daughter has a bench with a name and date. I hope that when people go to visit the bench, they will sit on it and think about the good things Amanda brought to life. And all the things she is bringing to our lives now. I hope that no one vandalizes the bench and treat it respectfully, like they should a person. If on every 10th of each month, we could put a balloon there as a token of remembering. In the winter, more innovation will be needed.
Finding the right words for the plaque was easy but hard. Trying to make all the words that I felt were so very important fit onto one plaque. And of course, there were the snowflakes which needed to be included. Thank you to the two schools, the school community of parents, students, teachers and also my colleagues and friends who made this happen with their generous donation of $$ and love. You have made us so very happy that there is something of Amanda in this community that we can visually see, feel and touch. We can sit at the pond and watch the ducks and geese. Listen to the bullfrogs. Watch kids ride their bikes. And just think about life.
I don’t think anyone can imagine the emotional turmoil except those who have lost their child to a similar circumstance. A close second is a parent who has ‘almost’ lost their child. I know some of you will say … death is death. I used to think that. But that’s not how it goes. Each one is so different and unique.
Although it is July 10th right now, there has to be a sleep in between. The morning will bring a new day. It will actually be the first 10th in 3 months that nothing eventful has happened and the media is not at my doorstep. I will sit in the sunshine and think. I will go to the pond with my morning coffee and sit on Amanda’s bench.
My eyes feel like sandpaper. I should probably go to sleep. It was a 3 a.m. morning yesterday.
Love you Princess Snowflake