July 13 – Sitting at your bench …

Dear Amanda

Not a day goes by where I don’t think of you can cry.  It makes it hard sometimes to carry on with what I am doing.  It really doesn’t matter what I might be doing, the T & Ms just invade my thoughts.  I have found that the 9th, 10th and 11th of each month are definitely and of course the most painful.  Will the heartache ever lessen.  I don’t know.  Sometimes I think it just grows.  I see other teenage girls out there doing things that are a normal part of growing up.  And then I think those were things you enjoyed or looked forward to.  Unfortunately, that will no longer happen.  And that makes me sad.  Your friends go to visit the bench.  They sit.  The ducks walk around your bench.  It is peaceful at the park which is one of the reasons you always went there.  To watch the sun.  And the people. From where you usually sat on the hill, you can see your bench.  The wind is blowing the balloons around.

In the past few days, I have received many messages from kids that have been affected by your video and your story.   They have learned from your story.  They continue to want to help in some way.  I have also received messages from kids that are reaching out.  It is amazing to see everyone doing that and helping each other.

Had a therapy session today.  Eyes hurt.  Heart hurts.  Wish you were here!!

Tomorrow is another day.  Watch down upon us and give us signs that you are watching us.

Love Mom xoxo

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About Carol Todd

Being the mother of Amanda Todd has lead me on this journey shortly after Amanda's death on October 10, 2012. Amanda's prolific You Tube video has been viewed over 33 million times. Through this video, there has been an increased awareness about cyberbullying, social media safety and mental health. www.amandatoddlegacy.org
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10 Responses to July 13 – Sitting at your bench …

  1. Hamsi says:

    I have had the same feeling of wistfulness when I see groups of teenagers in a mall or somewhere else having fun…this is all she wanted to do, to be a normal teenager, enjoy the simple pleasures of life. Now maybe because of her story many others will have the normal life they probably would not have had.


  2. gookymann says:

    Amanda is always by me in my mind, thoughts, and I feel her presence sometimes as if she is guiding me, maybe sometimes even saving me. Why her? Why not me? I guess nobody would have missed me but she is so precious. She is saving the world like nobody before because it is through her pain that the world is becoming aware.

    Amanda is certainly not alone, there are thousands like her by her/with her right now possibly admiring her strength because she suffered and endured so much more so long.

    If Amanda has the talent that her mother has (I bet she does) of organizing and getting people together then she certainly has others to help her in their way to touch hearts too! I hope so because there are so many hearts that need to be changed.

    Well please forgive if this is hard to understand. I’m feeling very confused today anyway, maybe it shows.


  3. Savetheworld says:

    You need closure Carol. There have been no consequences served by anyone who was part of her demise. I believe this is the underlying problem. None of these kids have come forward to appoligize for their disgusting inhumane behaviour towards your child and they get to live! Shame on them! Who is raising these children? Theyre obviously not doing their job and how about the lowlife scumbag who started this whole thing, the one or ones that exploited her. I’m sure you would like to see justice served. Those culprits who did this to her, who are they? why haven’t they been found yet? How do they live with themselves. How sick an individual do you have to be to do something line this its incomprehensible. These types need to be eradicated from society. . I pray the are found. Find comfort in the fact that Amanda will never hurt again. tramatic life events affect you for the rest of your life no one comes out unscathed. You know they do say only the good die young. Amanda is previous child and now the whole world knows and loves her. i truly believe that she is around you. Weare all just vibrating energy fields; she has only shed her human body. She is still with you. Look for the signs. Sending you healing love xo ❤ my thoughts are always with you. We are all here for you always and we love you ❤


  4. Will Burke says:

    I am lost for words.So I will just say that it makes me feel very sad to know how u feel deep down inside Carol.The Bench is a beautiful tribute to ur daughter Amanda Todd.When u do go down to the bench to just relax Amanda is right there with u , not physically there but in spirit.Amanda has touched a lot of ppl’s hearts mine being 1 of them.Forever Amanda Todd will be in my thoughts & in my heart.Btw love the pictures Carol.(((Hugs))) For u. ❤


    • gookymann says:

      Will Burke, feel free to contact me if you wish. I can’t promise that I will be awake or conscious but you could try. I am glad to be there for you if I can.


  5. GregSticker says:

    You are connecting with Amanda in ways you don’t see now maybe but will. Every time you sit thee, you are not alone. She is. She points out those other kids and that is why you notice them. She is with you in your therapy sessions. She puts the therapy into perspective and guides you to understand what to say to your therapist. She tells you what to say on this blog. She is right there. You know that. Soon this will become a happy time. All the grief will pass. You will look back and know She ws within all along. She is a soul now. Much stronger than a limited human. Realize that presence within and you’ll see what she told me to tell you.
    hugz mama bear…


  6. merle48 says:

    Oh Carol, This could really be the hardest time for you, when you sit on that special bench and watch the surroundings, I guess it kind of “draws” everything into one place in your mind…the bigness of it all, and although you are surrounded by so much support, this intimate place in your thoughts cannot be penetrated by anyone rather than you and Amanda. I believe this may become a special place for sorting out your feelings as the ocean is for me. I’m sad for you when you speak of watching other girls her age doing things Amanda would have been doing…that gets to me the most, and I don’t think that will ever ease up, however, sometimes we need to just let all the tears flow and carry the pain with them. I cannot know how deeply you hurt, yet I absorb your pain to some degree as do many others, that’s the most we can offer when your sadness is so much. Keep up the talk therapy and this blog which is also good for getting your feelings out.


  7. la Punisher says:

    For a tragedy of this nature I doubt that the pain ever really goes away, I think we just learn to live with it… My heart goes out to you Carol….

    Hugz 2U


  8. H.I.D. says:

    Love the pictures of Amanda, Especially the one on the right, All in her
    Favorite Colors….. Blue and Purple. The Bench In Memory Of Amanda
    Is Beautiful….. and look how BLUE that sky is.
    Forever Loved.


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