July 29 – Life passing by like a train in the night …

Last night, I decided to go downtown for dinner and to watch the fireworks.  It was also an excuse to take a bit of a break with technology.  Upon arriving downtown to the restaurant that I really wanted to go to, there were two ambulances in front.  Not knowing what was going on, we parked the car and headed to the restaurant to see about dinner.  What we ended up seeing was sad.   Sad for many reasons.

The paramedics were giving CPR to a man in the restaurant in the lobby.  There were dining patrons of course in the restaurant and on the patio.  There were of course the lookie loos outside looking in.  I am not sure why the restaurant did not choose to close it’s front doors to avoid the ‘gawkers’ as I can call them.   After more than 10+ minutes, the paramedics took the man out of the restaurant into the ambulance.  The paramedics were still working on him.  We don’t know the prognosis.  We know the paramedic attendants did tell everyone to look the other way as they wheeled the stretcher out.

I saw the man’s wife come out towards the ambulance with another woman.  Not that it mattered, but she was older than myself, maybe in her 60’s.   She had a calm about her but as I know very well, it was just the  ‘shock’ of the whole situation.   When I saw her, a feeling of sadness came over me and all I wanted to do was give her a hug.  If I had a pink Stay Strong Bracelet with me, I would have given one to her, but I had left them at home (which I never do).   I think I just needed to go out anonymously and without Amanda last night.   My brain was running rampant with thoughts.  The wellness of this man.  The emotional state of his wife.  How life can be so short?  You can wake up in the morning and not know what will happen that day.  You can plan a dinner out and something tragic can happen.

I watched the man being wheeled out into the ambulance.  I could have turned away but it was something I had to do to see how strong or weak I was emotionally.  I was okay except for the sadness.

It was when the ambulance drove away and I heard the sirens.  The same sirens that trigger my pain, heartbreak, fear and tears (even as I write this).  I don’t know if I can ever listen to ambulance sirens again or watch them speed down the street without having a flashback of some kind.  My friend Jan wrote to me – that is a true sign of PTSD.  If anyone doesn’t know what that is, it mean Post Traumatic  Stress Disorder.  I am surprised when I have to explain it to others.  Symptoms comes after a traumatic event and may exist ongoing for years.  Symptoms may also pop up at any given time.

Amanda was diagnosed with PTSD.  She had too many tragic events happen to her in a two year period.  When a reminder triggered her, she would become depressed  or angry or disassociated with life.  Such a grown up disorder for a young girl.  That makes me sad.

To all those suffering with PTSD, we must stand together and help each other out.  To share and explain what this invisible disorder is and how crippling it can be to ones emotional health without care, guidance and understanding.  The invisible disorders are the ones that don’t get as much attention and sometimes care.

Here are other links:

  1. PTSD – Causes, Symptoms, Treatment, Diagnosis – Condition 


About Carol Todd

Being the mother of Amanda Todd has lead me on this journey shortly after Amanda's death on October 10, 2012. Amanda's prolific You Tube video has been viewed over 33 million times. Through this video, there has been an increased awareness about cyberbullying, social media safety and mental health. www.amandatoddlegacy.org
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7 Responses to July 29 – Life passing by like a train in the night …

  1. Savetheworld says:

    Bravo Renee and Merle48, well said. She was just an innocent sweet child. That is what makes it so chillingly evil. We need more kids like Amanda around, not less. It needs to stop. Kids are not protected. It’s awful.


  2. merle48 says:

    Renee, this is what I ‘ve been trying to make a point about for many months now! It really is simple…Amanda was a young inexperienced youngster in life who made choices as we all do…good ones and some poor How in the name of God does this warrant the wrath and cruelty from certain individuals? How can we be such hypocrites? Why are we judging her and her loved ones as we don’t know them for years upon years, and why do people pick apart every facet of their lives? This is so callous, so inhumane, as there is so much more to them than our puny opinions! I have really had it with these types! Why judge….would we like to be judged as such? This has to be horrible enough in itself to lose your beautiful child, and then to try and deal with the tremendous loss whatever way you see fit (you know different strokes for different folks) as this is one strong woman, another could not carry on the same way. So what! No two of us are the same. It’s got to get better, or I will truly lose faith in my fellow humans. Amanda was a HUMAN BEING…and losing her and her potential to learn and better herself is an even GREATER loss, because hell, I know I wasn’t perfect growing up…but hey.. look at me now…I’ve come a long way…she most assuredly would have also!


    • la Punisher says:

      Really Good merle48, I stand with you on that, Say it, F*ck those that judge every little fault of the human nature, We’re not god’s and are made to make mistakes, that’s how we learn… And those that judge grow a life


  3. Renée B. says:

    Regarding your post from July 27 (July 21 – the sun doesn’t shine where????):

    I have an issue with people, no matter what age they are, saying that Amanda’s death is the result of poor choices. Nothing she did or said justifies the way she was abused verbally, physically and online. So many people make mistakes in their lives, errors in judgement, it is not something that should haunt someone forever. Amanda did not kill or rob anyone. She did not deserve this…

    I am sure Amanda is not the only kid who was manipulated that way (referring to the photo incident). I put it on the fact that she was very young and acted on the spur of the moment and got carried away when everybody was having fun. This kind of thing probably happens to a lot of people. Think of the famous Spring Break bashes, for example!

    P.S. When my youngest daughter was about 5 or 6 years old, she looked just like Amanda on that picture!


  4. Savetheworld says:

    PTSD is a very serious illness that doesn’t get taken too seriously but should be. It needs to be addressed. It’s also becoming more and more prevalent because of how easy it is to traumatize people today on the Internet and through cell phones etc. It causes scars for life. More reason there should be serious consequences for those abusing people and the system.


  5. merle48 says:

    No one can KNOW how they would be in a similar tragic situation. People on the “outside looking in” are quick to judge…and I’m sure we’ve all done it, however, as some of us learn…there is no RIGHT way to be shocked, or grieve. I remember an incident which happened to someone close to me not so long ago, and although there was fear in me and sadness, I most remember the shock I felt as they wheeled this person into the ambulance as I was “Zombie-like.” The was also a strange “calm” about me although what happened was devastating at that moment. I was operating in “safe mode” I guess, and I now realize that was the only way I could ever do all the things needed, to help with the situation. “My strength is made perfect in weakness.” ~II Corinthians


  6. H.I.D. says:

    what Amanda was put through in that 2 year period
    by the people who Tormented her.

    You Are LOVED Amanda.
    Forever and Forever.


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