What can be said that hasn’t been said already. I just know that when I write out the words, it makes it easier for me. This past December has been exceptionally more difficult than the one last year. I asked myself why and this is what I came up with. Last Christmas, you were only gone for 2 months + a couple of weeks. My brain and heart were still in the aftershock phase and everything that was done was probably in automatic pilot. When I think back, it looked like we were all coping, but we really weren’t. It was the shells of people going through the motions.
This year, everything was somewhat harder. October 10th. November 27th. Christmas 2013. I have spent countless days reflecting and remembering. I have started to go through photos and have posted many of you and your brother in the younger years. We put together some photos for Grandma to have for Christmas. Seeing the pictures of you so young and happy and carefree breaks my heart. If only you had seen past the turmoil you were feeling.
I have spent many nights in the past month talking online to moms that have lost their own kids. We mostly feel the same way – we miss all of you and ponder the big question of WHY? The similarities of personalities is extremely haunting. Sometimes in our conversations, it seems like we are talking about the same girls. Weird you might say — definitely!!
Kindred spirits — the other parents and I. We do share thoughts and feelings that cannot be experienced by any others. It gives us peace to be able to talk about all of you freely. Remembering Amanda, you (like all other teenagers) didn’t like it when you were the topic of conversations over coffee. However, you still are now.
In the past couple of weeks, I have once again witnessed the respect and caring of many of the people whose hearts you have touched. These people may have come into our lives since last October 2012 or later. When I post on Facebook my feelings, which is the way I vent my sadness or anger at whatever I am feeling these days, many of them come to support and leave caring messages. In the same way that I have sent out numerous snowflakes and things to make people feel better, I have been getting cards and ‘many other wonderful things’ from all over. More snowflakes to put on the tree. A wonderful Stay Strong wreath. A collectable crystal snowflake from your birth year of 1996 from a wonderful person in Austria. Chocolates. Candles. Cards. Well wishes. And more ….
I often wonder what it was that has made people attach themselves to you. I have no real answers except that I do know that what you shared has made an impact on other peoples lives. I can’t begin to write down everything that has gone on this year but I know you haven’t been forgotten. There are many more things in the works for 2014 and you will be right there with us.
Your BFF came over to visit tonight. She brought me my favourite smelling soap – coconut and lime blended together. She saw your coat hanging in the closet and asked what I was going to do with it. It seemed right to ask if she wanted to have it. You loved that coat as it was your first one from Aritzia and only a year old. She said yes. So it has gone to a good home and we know B will look after it and wear it proudly. At the same time, it made me sad to see it leave the house without you but it is okay. B was one of those friends that stuck by you even though you had your differences in opinions. You needed (and everyone needs) more friends like that and it’s ashame that friendships among young people aren’t as unconditional as the one you shared with your BFF.
Love Mom xoxo