So here I am sitting in my kitchen. It’s 3:29 a.m. My entire household is asleep — even the doggies but I am awake. I did go to my doctor today and told her about my two years of almost sleeplessness as well as the ongoing aching of my body including IBS. Sleep still doesn’t come but trying a new med, received instructions about FODMAP diet and then there is the possible fibromyalgia. Uggg… Two years ago on October 10, 2012, I was not going through this.
Today didn’t start off well. There was a raccoon party in my front yard and they didn’t clean up after they had their meal.
Then I watched Amanda’s videos a few times. Bad idea. My Kleenex box ran empty and I didn’t want to open the box with the snowflakes on it. Uggg…
During my personal rants and cranky messaging, my friends started to worry about me. But also at the same time understood that it was better to let me rant and carry on and then talk to me later. Very wise!!
These were things I did today that were out of the norm: 1) Watch Amanda’s You Tube video multiple times, 2) Listen to the words of the songs on her You Tube video, 3) Read the news articles today, 4) Go through photos of her and 5) watch the trailer for Fifth Estate.
I didn’t get to watch the Fifth Estate until tonight at about 2 a.m. Maybe not the wisest thing to do at that time of night. But I had been receiving messages all night from people who had watched it and was curious. The comments were varied. It stunned some. And it angered others.
After watching it myself, it broke my heart to see my child go through what she did. I didn’t realize the intensity or propensity of despair that Amanda was suffering. I wish I had known all of what she was feeling and could turn back the time for her. I also wished she had shared what she was feeling with her counsellor at the time and me. Looking back, I now understood the anger as she sat in her counselling sessions.
I also wish that I had continued the conversation with ‘Alice McAlister’ instead of ‘ignoring and not responding’. I wish that the person behind the name ‘Tyler Boo’ had never existed. I wish Amanda were alive. Sadly, none of the three things can be changed — EVER!!
I am so very glad though that the Fifth Estate, Stephanie Morgan (Kingston Police) and other documentarists continue to think about Amanda and use her story as we move forward with making safety come first. The amount of young girls and boys using the internet in a way that would make older people cringe continues to be an issue. That’s why it is important that we tell the stories.
It’s 3:55 a.m. and I guess it’s another sleepless night. Good thing it’s Saturday.
Love you Amanda!! You are my Princess Snowflake always and although in your final writing to me, you asked me not to be mad at you — truthfully, there will always be a piece of me that is angry you left the way you did. Love Mom xoxo