Did Pink Floyd have purple bricks in their wall?? …. (Part 2)

So here I am sitting in my kitchen.  It’s 3:29 a.m.  My entire household is asleep — even the doggies but I am awake.  I did go to my doctor today and told her about my two years of almost sleeplessness as well as the ongoing aching of my body including IBS.   Sleep still doesn’t come but trying a new med, received instructions about FODMAP diet and then there is the possible fibromyalgia.  Uggg…  Two years ago on October 10, 2012, I was not going through this.

Today didn’t start off well.  There was a raccoon party in my front yard and they didn’t clean up after they had their meal.


Then I watched Amanda’s videos a few times.  Bad idea.  My Kleenex box ran empty and I didn’t want to open the box with the snowflakes on it.  Uggg…

During my personal rants and cranky messaging, my friends started to worry about me.  But also at the same time understood that it was better to let me rant and carry on and then talk to me later.  Very wise!!

These were things I did today that were out of the norm:  1) Watch Amanda’s You Tube video multiple times, 2) Listen to the words of the songs on her You Tube video, 3) Read the news articles today, 4) Go through photos of her and 5) watch the trailer for Fifth Estate.

I didn’t get to watch the Fifth Estate until tonight at about 2 a.m.  Maybe not the wisest thing to do at that time of night. But I had been receiving messages all night from people who had watched it and was curious.  The comments were varied. It stunned some.  And it angered others.

After watching it myself, it broke my heart to see my child go through what she did.  I didn’t realize the intensity or propensity of despair that Amanda was suffering.  I wish I had known all of what she was feeling and could turn back the time for her.  I also wished she had shared what she was feeling with her counsellor at the time and me.  Looking back, I now understood the anger as she sat in her counselling sessions.

I also wish that I had continued the conversation with ‘Alice McAlister’ instead of ‘ignoring and not responding’.  I wish that the person behind the name ‘Tyler Boo’ had never existed.  I wish Amanda were alive.  Sadly, none of the three things can be changed — EVER!!

I am so very glad though that the Fifth Estate, Stephanie Morgan (Kingston Police) and other documentarists continue to think about Amanda and use her story as we move forward with making safety come first.  The amount of young girls and boys using the internet in a way that would make older people cringe continues to be an issue. That’s why it is important that we tell the stories.

It’s 3:55 a.m. and I guess it’s another sleepless night.  Good thing it’s Saturday.

Love you Amanda!! You are my Princess Snowflake always and although in your final writing to me, you asked me not to be mad at you — truthfully, there will always be a piece of me that is angry you left the way you did.  Love Mom xoxo


About Carol Todd

Being the mother of Amanda Todd has lead me on this journey shortly after Amanda's death on October 10, 2012. Amanda's prolific You Tube video has been viewed over 33 million times. Through this video, there has been an increased awareness about cyberbullying, social media safety and mental health. www.amandatoddlegacy.org
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7 Responses to Did Pink Floyd have purple bricks in their wall?? …. (Part 2)

  1. Hamsi says:

    This is a very powerful post, and brought back memories of what October 2012 felt like to a lot of us who never knew Amanda. But out of that pain came redemption for a lot of people.


  2. Theresa in Niagara says:

    Carol, you are one of the strongest and bravest women I know. You never stop reaching out to others, myself included… everywhere I go these days it seems as though I meet someone you have reached out to. You continue to inspire and transform the lives of people everywhere. Sending you a virtual hug xoxo


  3. merle48 says:

    “Thank you for doing what many people would never have the courage or strength to do, to fight for our children even though we have lost one.” Never read that before , at least in these words. This really says it all! You are also one strong lady!


  4. This made me cry because I started to think about how I would feel if it were me. I know what happens online with our youth who always think they are smarter than those who spend their days trying to outsmart our kids. I’ve had far too many conversations with young girls and boys who made a simple trust mistake online and for that their lives are turned upside down.

    My uncle Larry was 36 when he went into his study, took out a gun his grandfather left him in his will, loaded it up not even sure it would work because it was from the 1800’s, put the nozzle in his mouth and ended his life. In his note, he said he was sorry to his sister for being a bad father to his two boys, both of which had already passed on suddenly at age 5 (after last surgery to repair heart problems and kidneys failed) and 18 when he fell from a balcony on a building 17 stories up. My aunt still has that note, complete with the blood splatter from her brother, and looks at it from time to time. She and I go from angry to sad to angry to sad. It’s a rollercoaster.

    I’ve been down that dark road in my past too and I am lucky to have survived. My first attempt was at age 5 due to a really violent and sexually abusive home. I ran into traffic to die and was surprised to see the underside of the vehicle while I was lying under it. In the back of the ambulance dad told me he wished I were dead. Sometimes things happen in our lives and sometimes we are able to handle it and sometimes we are not. I wish I had the answer why even I thought being dead was better than living a life.

    My 18 year old cousin took his life on Christmas eve a year before Amanda took her own life. I see what my cousin went through at the loss of her son. There is nothing anyone can do but be there.

    Carol I am a survivor and I connected to Amanda and her story. You have kept us all here and kept Amanda forefront in our minds to make a change and prevent this from happening to even one more child. No child should ever be so worries their only option is death. One thing I go by when I feel depressed, and you have seen some reasons why I get that way, I remind myself that suicide is permanent but today’s troubles are temporary and tomorrow, if I can get through just today, will make today seem like an unpleasant distant memory.

    I am angry at my uncle for leaving the way he did and I wish there were more help for him. I wish that he was able to talk about what he was feeling. I wish and you wish for things we can never have but it’s what we do after they are gone that matters and how many lives you save. Carol you have saved lives and so has Amanda. I am still getting messages on my social media accts with heartfelt messages for you and your family. Amanda may be gone and we may not like how it happened but she is making a huge difference. She mattered and your words matter. Thank you for doing what many people would never have the courage or strength to do, to fight for our children even though we have lost one.


  5. merle48 says:

    There it is Carol! I was ready to write many words, but what I just read above sums it up in a nutshell. Just ONE life and ONE thank you, that’s all is needed to know the good that comes from your work, although we know many more have probably learned from you sharing your daughter’s story. Please take time to mourn Amanda because it’s just as important as telling her story and educating others. Take time to realize the need to heal. God Bless you.


  6. la Punisher says:

    To: Jane Elizabeth Jones… That is well said and my thoughts exactly
    Carol… A special Hug to day 4U…. (((((((( HUG )))))))) ❤


  7. Jane Elizabeth Jones says:

    Hang tough carol. Let your friends (including me) carry you when the burden is to great. You are loved.

    Grateful mother of addie, a young girl who was perhaps saved because you shared your pain with the world.


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